The Identity crisis

VP and the Hatchet man came and went.  It turns out that all of the anxiety brought about by the impending visit had some substance. In no uncertain terms, after a two hour, 3 on 2 interrogation, ahem..business review, we were told in no uncertain terms that we have 12 months to right the ship or managers will lose their jobs (translation:  we have about 3 months to right the ship).  Hatchet Man did not disappoint.  Not only did he raise his mighty ax high above our necks, dried blood on his sharpened blade, ready to strike, some of us were told of two departments that will be dissolved over the next two months.  Eleven jobs will be lost (he swung his ax at one office associate before he left, giving her one week's notice, just for good measure).  Some managers were immediately put on a performance improvement program by our GM, so as to show that he is serious about managing his staff.  It's too little, too late.  His neck is on the line, like the rest of us. Sadly, one of his staff will likely go first so that he can protect himself.  I have been spared the PIP for now, but the pit in my stomach continues to churn.  This is not fun.  It hasn't been since I arrived a year ago.  

Work should be fun, not chaotic.  We were told that we all have to "feel the pain" of our underperforming location. What, isn't this environment painful enough?  Who says that?  Have we lost our minds?  Think about this; CORPORATE AMERICA IS ON A ROAD TO UNSUSTAINABILITY.  It strives for perpetual growth (now, I AM the Perpetual Wantrepreneur, but I don't want to hurt anyone).  This is simply not sustainable.  What happened to running a profitable business, month after month, year after year?  Why must we strive for perpetual growth?  Anybody who takes a job, who doesn't think about this impossibility, is an idiot. Like me.  I am an idiot; even worse, I am a desperate idiot, because I desperately wanted a job that paid a decent salary, even if it was half of what I was accustomed to.  I have had many desperate moments over the past several years of under and unemployment.  But we all make choices.  And it forces you to evaluate yourself.  To question your identity.  After last week's festivities, I began to question myself.  How much longer am I going to take this?  What will it take to take my next risk?  I write this blog to dig deeper into my twisted mind, to discover what it is that keeps me from pursuing my dream of entrepreneurship.  It's fucking torturous at times.  Paralyzing.  I'm not exaggerating here. I can sit and think about it for hours, and still not act.  Ok, so work is busy.  My commute is two hours a day.  I have a 4 month old baby.  But so what?  Who am I?  And why do I keep procrastinating?   You do it too; we all do, to varying degrees. But Jesus, it's been too long.  How many more signs do I need?  How many more threats?  

After the two hour meeting, Hatchet Man noticed that I had printed notes for myself, discussion points for the meeting.  He told me (he didn't ask me, mind you, he ordered me) to send him my notes, and to not "doctor them."  Here comes the hard part, folks; what took place for the next 3 hours, from my drive home to sitting in bed with the love of my life, rivals a George Carlin routine.  And I'm not talking about comedy.  I'm talking about expletives.  I won't drag you through my vodka-induced tirade.  But I can tell you the theme:  Who the fuck is he to confiscate my notes?  I was beyond livid.  Not a very Zen moment.  It began my identity crisis. But I recovered.  I'm sure Gandhi, at one point or another, got pissed off.  Jesus flipped out on the money changers at the temple. We know Buddha didn't begin his life the same way it ended.  And I embarked on a expletive-filled rant for about an hour straight (not my first rant, and not likely the last).  WE ALL HAVE OUR MOMENTS.  IT'S NEVER A CRISIS. We just deal with it.  And learn from it.  Take it for what it is.  For me, it was a necessary shove, a nudge.  Or a push (God, I hope so).  Whatever the challenge before you, don't be too hard on yourself.  It happens to the best of us. 

Going through my divorce nearly seven years ago began a transformation in my life.  I knew that the feeling of "security" was gone (kind of like it is now).  It was a liberating feeling, like being a child again, despite the intense feelings of loss, guilt, etc.  We all have a role to play in our lives, and in relationships, it always takes two to tango.  Always.  And when a relationship ends, there is a new beginning.  When one door shuts, another opens, another window of opportunity, blah, blah, blah...you get the idea.  I bring this up because for those of us who have a degree of awareness, there is always transformation in our lives.  

I used to carry around a Taoist poem.  As I was pondering today's blog, I decided to pull it out again.  It was long overdue:  

Risking everything that I am

to become myself

Juggling balls of fire

where the fire is my own spirit

Transformation is never easy

Watching who you are crumble

While growing into the wonder of something new

I love this. And I've been living it, for several years now. I have taken many risks; some brought me satisfaction, many did not. But take risks. Jump (come on in, the water is freakin' ice cold!). Start something. If you're not ready (which you never will be, by the way, that's why you just have to jump in), then demand that I start something in the comments section. Watch yourself crumble, and grow into something new.  If you are anything like me, you're crumbling anyway, so why not transform into something really cool?  I wrote about baby steps in earlier blogs, a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Take the step.  Think about why you should, and the consequences if you don't.  Is that a risk your willing to take?  

Meditation is not a ten letter word (or, the lazy man's guide to meditation)

As you know, I meditate.  I am not an expert on the subject.  I have read a couple of books (both by Thich Nhat Hanh) to get me started.  And I have found that, at least for now, that is enough.  I would like to revisit those books, but I can't find them.  I have moved about 5 times in the past 6 years.  They were excellent books, and I would love to build on my daily practice.  I will find them eventually (they are likely in my 6 x 6 compartment in the basement of my apartment, along with the a lot of lost dishware).  Luckily, I remember the basics.  That's all that I remember.  It's just deep breathing.  That's it.  Start in whatever position makes you comfortable (I prefer the half lotus position, hands hanging off of my knees, torso erect, sitting on my ottoman with a candle lit about 10 feet away).  You can meditate lying down, or sitting in a comfortable chair.  You can have soothing music (I don't listen to music, for the most part; but if I did, it would probably be the sound of rain.  I love the rain).  And then breathe deeply.  Two or three cleansing breaths, which you hold for a couple of seconds.  Then release.  After those breaths, just focus on breathing.  Don't think about anything else.  Focus on your inhalation, then exhalation.  Inhale completely, and exhale completely.  And slowly.  Keep your breath quiet; don't make too much noise.  And make sure you blow your nose first; it reduces the struggle to keep quiet.  And try not think about anything but your breathing.  That is the toughest part.  Just repeat to yourself, any way you want, in your native tongue, "breathing in, breathing out."  My major distraction is the thought of sex, since I enjoy that more than meditating.  Meditation is necessary, but to be frank, sex is much more fun.  Maybe someday I'll be able to meditate on sex (there's an idea for a book; as you can see, my challenges are many).  Anyway, this all takes practice.  Lots of it.  And it needs to be a daily practice.  I shoot for a morning meditation, before coffee.  And a nighttime meditation before I sleep.  But most of the time, it's just a morning event.  As you get better, you can tweak your practice any way you want.  You can meditate on anything.  Since my attention span is so short, I focus only on breathing and avoiding thoughts of sex.  That's where I'm at.  But my intention is to be able to meditate on all that I strive for in my quest for entrepreneurship, on life, on daily goals.  To focus my thoughts on singular goals, whatever they may be on any given day.  So pick a place.  And a time.  And some music, or none at all.  And breathe deeply (I forgot one more very important thing; you don't need to spend a lot of time on this.  Start with five minutes, or less, and build your way up as you get better.  Or just stay at five minutes.  I am up to about twenty minutes, but sometimes only 5-10.  And it is always enough).  You may not feel the immediate effect, but once you are done, your day will feel different.  Your will handle your challenges more calmly.  People and circumstances will be less irritating.  And you can breathe deeply any time over the course of the day (my favorite place is on a bathroom stop or at my desk, when anxiety or stress creep up on you).  I promise you, it works.  So start tonight, or tomorrow.  Don't wait too long.  You will feel like you've accomplished something big, tapping into the wonder of thousands of years of practice given to us by some of the greatest minds the earth has ever known (Buddha, Ghandi, Thich Nhat Hanh, and so many of the great Far Eastern influencers throughout history).  Become a part of history.  Tap into the best source of peace available.  It's free, and universal, and at your fingertips.  Sit down.  Relax.  And breathe deeply.  It's the next step in your journey.  And the world is waiting for you.

An Eternal Spring

Well, all's well that ends well with my friend who was seemingly on the chopping block.  For now.  He still has a job, but he's on a "warning" for conduct.  Apparently having an opinion is a violation of the company's conduct policy, especially since it didn't line up with the opinion of his manager....very curious.  In the meantime, he knows his days are likely numbered if he is to continue to operate in the manner that he is accustomed to.  Otherwise, it's time to return to the herd, another hopeless sheep in the corporate pasture...

I struggle with the struggles of others.  I want to help, and often find myself carrying their load, their cross, whatever you want to call it.  I carry it emotionally and physically.  My ego finds a way to make their problems my own.  And it often derails my own progress.  This isn't just for friends and colleagues in business, but in life.  And the last couple of weeks certainly sidetracked my own progress.  Corporate is coming to town, the VP along with the "Hatchet Man", a man with the reputation.  I've been told by many corporate colleagues with whom I have a good relationship that when this individual comes to town, somebody loses their job.  This is the boss of the other individual who wanted to send the entire facility back to work minutes after losing their jobs in America's Saddest City.  I told him to "go upstairs" as he walked the floor, parading people back to their stations.  This was a year ago.  I haven't seen him since, and neither has my boss.  And  with my boss under the gun for months, his possible replacement being hired to train within the region, the trickle-down effect of stress at the facility can be cut with a knife.  And with my own challenges escalating over the next few days at the office, there appears to be a direct relationship between the rising stress levels at work and the drop in progress in the pursuit of my own dreams.  It's a push-pull relationship; I can only devote energy to one, not both.  The choice seems logical, right?  

Well, it's easier said than done.  I spent my entire Sunday dreading going to work this week.  They will be in town for three days.  And on Easter Sunday, starting in the morning, it began...the emails.  Did you do this?  Make sure you read this.  Be familiar with that.  Will you attend dinner.  A random joke in between, as if to prove that there was no sense of panic.  It was too late.  Whatever hasn't been done up to this point won't be done.  We've all done the best we can, given the circumstances (see Don Miguel Ruiz' 4th agreement).  Some have done better than others.  I've done the best I can.  I can do more, of course.  We all can.  But whatever my progress to this point, that is where it stands.  I will explain this, and my challenges.  And I will remember, as I go through this week, that I don't want this anymore, to answer to people who wield WAY too much power and influence over people.  And late last night, laying in bed with the love of my life, it became clear.  As she suggested solutions to my problem, talking it through with me, I wondered what was missing.  Why all of this anxiety?  I have so much to be thankful for.  I have a potential interview this week, with a company located closer to my family.  I have a beautiful wife, and a delightfully happy new baby.  I have the best family a guy can ask for.  And there's a really good chance that I may meet with my wife's estranged parents this weekend, a wonderful first step.  So what do I do?  Meditate.  I meditated for twenty minutes this morning.  I had meditated every day for the ten days prior, and I felt great.  Then the last two days slipped away without meditation.  Meditation sets the reset button.  This may seem an abrupt end to a long story, and I'm sure it's familiar.  We all get caught up.  I'm not even going to go through the list; you know yours and I know mine.  How will you tackle your list today?  Start with what will help your journey, and dump the rest.  An enema for the soul.  Redirect your priorities.  You can't do it all.  So be choosy.  Pick the things that best benefit you and the ones you love.  It's Monday.  It's the day after Easter.  I'm not religious, but it's supposed to be a time of renewal.  It's springtime.  There, how's that?  No religious connection.  The flowers will be blooming.  The buds of the countless trees will begin to sprout.  Maybe they already have where you live.  Be the bud.  Sprout the new you, and what you want for your life.  Meditate (more on this later).  It's so simple and effective, you'll wonder why you've waited so long.  And make it the first eternal spring you've ever had.

The end of the world (as we formerly knew it)

I have a very good friend who's in trouble.  Two kids, a beautiful wife, a nice house in suburban Connecticut.  He was my production supervisor in the facility that closed down (remember the guy who ordered everyone back to work after being fired, in the saddest city in the country?  That facility).  We went through that experience together (as well as some after hours shit-shows), and he was the first person I've ever worked with that I befriended in 20+ years of management.  We haven't worked together for about a year, and we still keep in touch.  He's visited my home twice, and I have to reciprocate.  And he's suffering.  He was sent home today for being "too emotional" in conversation with his boss.  And then he received a call later in the day that he's to come to work at 10 am tomorrow.  He thinks he's losing his job.  And he may be right.  

Everyone has an ego to contend with.  With the exception of some Buddhists and other spiritual individuals who can truly detach themselves from ego (at least outwardly), we work to control our thoughts and our egos.  Most of us will NEVER conquer our ego.  It's work.  And mine's pretty damn big.  It takes an army.  My first instinct is almost always to defend myself.  I'm confrontational.  I can't help myself sometimes.  We all have a dark side; and I am the Sith-in Yoda's words, quick to anger, quick to fight.  This is my nature.  I grew up that way, kicking the shit out of most kids twice my size (I was 5' 3" until junior year in high school, when I grew 8" in one year), locking them in garages (except for Mario; he had tools from his dad's shed.  Pitchforks.  Hammers.  Saws.  My skull met his hammer and saw on separate occasions.  My poor Mom..I was a bloody mess).  I was an angry little boy, an angry young man, and at times, I have been an angry grown man.  Scary angry, like the grey-blue color of my eyes turning to black.. 

Luckily for me, none of the moments of my angry history have EVER happened at work (there's another area of expertise for me; I can actually check my ego at the door when I get to work).  We should work to do this in all endeavors (if you've read last week's blog, Positioning, I mentioned Eckhart Tolle and Don Miguel Ruiz' work.  Life changing stuff.  I've made tremendous strides on the ego front).   But how do we do this?  How do we let things happen like what may happen to my friend?  At what point do we allow ourselves to be put into such a precarious position, risking all we are for some schmuck on a power trip?  My friend has consistently beaten his financial plan month after month.  Not only has productivity increased, so has morale.  He credits me regularly on how much he learned from me, and he routinely asks for my advice on how to handle situations.  I coached him on this situation, too, on how to stick to the facts and remain professional.  He wondered how I would have handled this guy.  And before he even said it, I wished I could have pulled a Patrick Swayze in Ghost and jumped into his 6' 4", Whoopi Goldberg self.  But I couldn't. And he got emotional.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that he blew it when he questioned his boss about his accomplishments.  And just like that, with one ego against another, regardless of the value he brings to the organization, one man can cut another loose.  So he's at home with his family, awaiting his fate.  But it doesn't have to be this way.  We have a choice.  He is a prisoner, just like me, and if you're reading this, you probably are too.  I may not be able to control my ego sometimes, but should that cost me my job?  It seems so obvious, yet we are so willing to give up our freedom to somebody else's whim.  It's insanity.  Try to think of any other position that you find yourself in where you would allow this to happen.  Good luck.  You won't.  Because it's stupid.  But we spend the better part of our days like this.  Think about how old you are.  Are you 25?  Maybe 34, 46, 58, 60?  Have you ever estimated how many days that you have lived, and how many you have left?  I've lived about 16,000 days or so.  And I'm guessing I have less than 16,000 days to go.  And I've spent that first 16,000 dreaming of being free.  Entrepreneurs in most other countries, regardless of government or regime, have more freedom than we do.  The land of the free, home of the brave?  Are we really that brave?  We sure as hell aren't free, not under these circumstances.  What is your standard for brevity?   For freedom?  It's not a brave act to submit to this kind of treatment.  We all do.  I do.  Every day.  And we give up our freedoms.  The government has robbed us of most of our freedoms over the past 13 years.  Our private lives are under constant surveillance.  Are you willing to give up your freedom at work, too?  How much more are you willing to give up?  A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Just one, small step.  I'm taking steps.  It's painful.  And slow.  And often pathetic.  But I'm moving forward.  My step today?  I'm going to call my brother.  And we are going to brainstorm.  We worked together for twenty years, for somebody else, who fired us both and took away our father's pension after 50 years of service because his daughter and I fell in love (she was fired, too.  Before any of us.  And now we have a beautiful baby together).  And my brother has never been more ready to take the first step than he is now.  He's already had a business that failed.  He failed!  He's so much further along than most of us.  We all have to fail.  These are educational goldmines.  He has much to teach me, and I want to learn.  Have you taken your first step?  If you are in the US, Germany, Malaysia (the three countries who have read my blog so far; there goes my ego again), or anywhere else, it's time.  Take that first step. Let me know what you did.  I love to travel.  So take me with you..

How to force yourself into a 5 day vacation (as long as you start on Saturday)

This isn't really a recommendation, but come on, folks, it's the American way.  They only way we can force ourselves into some down time is by, that's right, GETTING THE FLU.  I haven't had it in seven years, and the exact reason why I even got sick was because I WASN'T taking a vacation.  I was treading water, barely above the surface, floating on my back to save energy and gasping for air, until I couldn't work anymore, my body shut down, looked me in the eye and simply said, "F-YOU.  I'M DONE WITH YOU.  NOW DEAL WITH IT."  And if you're lucky (depending on your level of desperation for a day off), you get to hang on to a fever for five days, forcing you to stay home (I actually could have worked with the fever; as a matter of fact, I WAS working with the fever.  The phone never stopped ringing, the emails continued, the text messages).  The doctor told me (after my third day of fever), that the state of New York recommends that I take the entire week off.  Come on, everybody, what is our conditioned response?  Are you embarrassed to admit it?  Say it, say it loud, say it proud:  I CAN'T TAKE OFF FOR A WHOLE WEEK!  Yup, that's what I said.  That was a Monday night.  She told me I would be considered contagious until 24 hours after my fever broke.  So Wednesday morning it broke, and Thursday I was back to work.  And I felt like shit.  And by all accounts, I looked like shit.  People from corporate (the entire goddamned corporate office is visiting our location for what feels like the next six years) were like, "what the hell are you doing here?"  And trust me, I don't work for a compassionate company.  They could give a rat's ass about my health  (or anybody else's, for that matter).  This was coming from a guy who, 15 minutes after we shut down a facility and told everyone in two weeks they will have lost their jobs, that they need to get back to work.  At that moment, I was consoling a 55 year old man, crying at the prospect of being unemployed in a city voted one of the "saddest cities" in the country.  But he said I looked like shit.  So I must have looked pretty bad.

So that was my first vacation this year (actually, I spent the first week of my newborn's son life in the NICU earlier this year, so that was my first vacation).  Does this sound familiar?  I'm sure it does.  Nobody works like we Americans work.  This doesn't mean we're more productive, or that we work harder than anyone else; my experience in management has been quite the opposite.  But yet we are getting our arses handed to us by much of the industrialized world.  We all must know that this isn't sustainable.  And it's a recipe for disaster if you want to accomplish anything outside of work (in my case, and hopefully yours, to build a business on the side).  Is it a sense of pride for us, to brag that we work more than anyone else?  For what?  Are we that unhappy at home that we feel the need to be at work so much?  Not me.  I love my home life.  You should too.  And if you don't, you better think about changing it somehow.  But I'm not prepared to write about that right now..

Take the time.  Take a vacation.  Go somewhere that you've never been.  It doesn't have to be far away.  But if you can travel, do it.  Get away.  Experience a different culture.  Meet new people. Ask questions about their lives.  Eat their food.  Share a meal with strangers. See how they live, and appreciate your life.  Or strive for the life that they have if their happiness doesn't mirror your own.  Then go home. Meditate.  Don't drink so much (I haven't abstained completely from alcohol, but I've cut my consumption to a glass of wine or a beer a week (you'll be surprised how good it feels-you don't need it as much as you think you do).  And the wet sand turning to cement on your shoulders will slowly wash away, and you will be lighter.  And you will think straighter.  And you will dream lucidly.  And your idea muscle won't feel so impotent.  And you will help more people, not because you have to, but because you want to.  You won't reprimand people with the intent of firing them, but rather to help them improve their performance and improve their lives outside of the shithole you work in (like I do).  Help somebody get out and move on.  On THEIR terms.  Because for every person you help achieve their goals, through action and encouragement, you will be that much closer to achieving yours.  Stop hanging on to people.  Set them free, to pursue their dreams.  At work, at love, and in life.  Most of us don't want to do what we do all day long.  That is why we strive for freedom.  That is why I write this blog.  So help others escape and unlock their potential.  And with any luck you will discover yours.  And I'll discover mine.  And I'll have to find something else to write about.

Positioning

Where are you in your life in relation to your life goals?  How are you "positioning" yourself for success?  Are you "in" a position to achieve your goals?  We find ourselves in a host of situations over the course of our lives.  Situations can change in an instant.  We can be soaring above the clouds, inspired and motivated, digesting all we can to take those next steps toward our goals (I just have reiterate how inspiring it is to have unlimited access to all of the resources we need at our fingertips, from anywhere, anytime).  And then we get sidetracked.  As is my custom on this blog, I will use myself as the example.

My aspirations, as those of you who have read my blog will know, is to venture into the realm of entrepreneurship. They do not lie in the realm of wantrepreneurship (although that is my present expertise).  I have been immersing myself in all things entrepreneurial (John Lee Dumas' Entrepreneur on Fire, Jamie Tardy's Eventual Millionaire).  Their podcasts are filled with inspiring stories of people who have achieved entrepreneurial success; people from all walks of life, with varying levels of income, but all happy having made the leap to freedom.  And I was feeling as inspired and driven as I could remember in recent memory.  And then, a turn.  I have had some catastrophic things go down in my life over the years-losing my job of 20 years at the onset of the 2008 recession, a divorce just a few months earlier, and the continual deterioration of my relationship with my children from that marriage (which is at an all time low as I write this post).  What took place over the past several days isn't nearly as devastating (thank God), but it merits conversation; I came down with the flu.  Now, I haven't had the flu in 7 or 8 years, but it's oh so familiar when it starts creeping up inside of you.  And it breaks down your body.  And it breaks down your mind.  I'm not one to run to the doctor; so I called my mother and asked her if she was aware of any "old country" remedy for my illness.  She said, "you have a three month old baby, go to the doctor!"  So off I went, and thank God that I did.  But I felt like all of the mental progress I had been making was washed away.  My mental state was weak, and my corporate job was relentless.  I was virtually glued to my bed, and I was forced to answer to the texts. The emails, all day long.  The same, repetitive bullshit that no matter how many times I addressed it with my GM, it just wasn't getting through.  The sheer refusal to acknowledge that there are serious gaps in certain processes that are due to his lack of holding people accountable.  So we all suffer with him.  And I suffer with him.  And the wind is sucked right out of my sails on my journey.  I let this happen over the past few days.  I'm guilty.  I should know better than to let the insecurities of somebody else derail my path to freedom and happiness.

So how have I positioned myself to turn this around, despite the continual barrage of negativity coming from a workplace under fire?  I chose happiness...I reverted back to the CDs my sister gave to me over two years ago, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  If you haven't read these books or listened to the audiobooks, they are a must.  But you have to be ready.  I was ready during Thanksgiving/Christmas of 2011, when I had had enough of victimizing myself over the lost job, the guilt of my divorce, and a breakup with my girlfriend.  I would listen to the Four Agreements over and over in the car on my way to a job where I was making 25% of my former salary (by the way, Peter Coyote reads the audiobook, and its fantastic).  And I spent Christmas Day laying on the couch listening to 8 hours of Eckhart Tolle.  You'll have to decide for yourself if and when you will read/listen to these books.  And happiness is a choice.  This was not an easy concept for me to grasp, given my pursuit of happiness from outside sources throughout my life.  I never looked inside.  I never made the choice.  I kept searching and searching for the holy grail of happiness.  Now, I still struggle with this from time to time.  I still want to disappear, thinking this will make me happy.  Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't (the beaches of the Maldives look so inviting; I can't see how that wouldn't make me happy).  But I positioned myself to break free.  I started writing this blog.  And I feel better already.