A New Hope

So the title of this blog is derived from the original Star Wars movie, the most inspirational movie of my life.  But that won't be the theme of this blog (see http://theperpetualwantrapreneur.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-force-is-with-us-all-whether-you.html ).  I've learned a lot about life over the past 5 decades, and probably more about myself over the past 5 years than the rest of my years combined.  It's difficult to describe what the definition of life is. There are several in the dictionary, but this one is my favorite:   the general or universal condition of human existence.  There are so many cliches to describe our lives; the grass is always greener on the other side. The early bird gets the worm.  Old habits die hard (sound familiar?).  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Laughter is the best medicine.  When the going gets tough, etc., etc., etc..I suppose there is good reason why these cliches have stuck around for so long.  As I said in my first blog, I don't have an agenda for my writing.  And as I write, my hope is that my experiences will help those who take the time to read it.  I am honored by the fact that my blog has been read in the US, Canada, Hungary, Germany Malaysia, India, Lithuania, Russia, Ukraine..I am honored by the interest of so many people in my journey.  But I think I can do so much more to help.  So I will share with you the conclusion of what I suppose you can call the first chapter of my blog, my thoughts going forward, and how recent events in my wantrepreneurial journey have shaped my life, and how it can help to influence yours. 

I met the new general manager last week.  For those of you who follow the astrology path, he is a Virgo, just like me.  We were born a day apart.  The energy was so positive when he was introduced to me by the VP that there had to be a logical (or astrological) explanation.  So it's a good start.  But I won't be fooled.  I need to move on.  For those of you in a similar position, be thankful if you report to somebody that you can have a good working relationship with.  But remember, that can change in an instant.  Or maybe it already has, possibly for the worse.  Or maybe it's just been a very unhealthy relationship all along. Hence, this blog.  Be ready to move, to pivot, to change.  Get uncomfortable.  This is how I plan to do it.  

I've spent the last six years of under and unemployment waiting for and creating the next opportunity.  When the going got tough, I looked to the horizon; there are other companies out there who need my services, where I can prove myself and earn a good living, until the next opportunity comes along.  And I can get out of my present predicament.  This has been my mentality, even up until a couple of days ago.  I figured, the GM with whom I've worked with for two years is gone.  It's time to find a job closer to my family in New Jersey.  Get out while I can!  Watch out, hear comes the axe!  Well, guess what.  It's bullshit.  And a copout. I've been running at the first sign of trouble for so long, that I've forgotten how to recognize my accomplishments, be confident in my abilities, and stay put until I'm ready to move on.  I mentioned last post that I'm getting married this week.  And it's got me thinking, about how to get myself out of my comfort zone until I am ready to make the jump into entrepreneurship, and out of the corporate world.  And the answer is, (drumroll, please.........) I'm going to stay put.  I'm not running anymore.  I've earned a reputation here (two turnaround successes in two years).  Parts of that reputation may not always put me in good standing with the powers that be.  But I've earned their respect.  And that's worth something. I don't want to move around.  My dream?  To have a business that is mobile, where I can operate the business from anywhere in the world.  Upstate NY is beautiful, and still driving distance from my family. With plenty of airports that can take me to Hungary.  Wherever you may be in your career, prove yourself while your there.  Work hard.  Impress yourself.  Go home knowing that you gave it 120%, each and every day.  It's the best training you can possibly present to yourself.  How will you make it on your own if you can't make it where you are?  We're going to need this experience to make it on our own, times ten (at least). There is value to where you are right now.  You are there for a reason (pick you astrological, religious, philosophical, or universal slant here).  No matter what your choice, YOU ARE THERE TO LEARN.  So learn EVERYTHING you possibly can at your job.  Consider it training for the leap to freedom.  And find a mentor or life coach or whatever you want to call it, paid or unpaid.  Start finding people in your community who think the same way that you do, who are looking for like-minded people to share and gain experience from.  You won't learn from your friends, your family, or the like (unless you come from an entrepreneurial background, which in that case, DEVOUR THE MINDS OF YOUR FAMILY, AND SEEK OUT THE ONES WHO ARE CONTENT IN THEIR ENTREPRENEURIAL JOURNEY).  This is business, and you need somebody who has been there, done that.  Somebody smarter than you.  You won't learn if you're not challenged.  I'm searching for the right coach right now.  It may cost me a bit financially.  But ask yourself; when was the last time that you invested in yourself?  I'm not talking about college or university, but YOURSELF?  I'm worth it, and so are you.  So start looking.  John Lee Dumas of the Entrepreneur on Fire podcast has interviewed some amazing entrepreneurs.  Skim through some of his podcasts, and have a listen to somebody who may fit your mold.  They may not end up your mentor, but they will offer guidance. There is somebody of interest there for me, and his name is Adam Urbanski.  I'm looking into it.  So here you go: http://www.entrepreneuronfire.com/podcasts/.  Good luck, and I'll see you on the other side..

Tumult, carnage, and peace?

UFC, red wine, and the painted garden

I spent the weekend with my family in New Jersey, at my mother and father's house.  It was a much needed break; I haven't had a full blown vacation in nearly three years.  This was just an extra day, a Friday off before the Memorial Day weekend.  And the weekend provided a little more perspective for me.  

There were many great moments over the three days-walking the boardwalk for the first time with my wife and son, a great dinner with my brother and his fiance, breakfast with my niece and husband at their beautiful new home.  But there was one moment that stands out above the rest; a moment when I was completely alone, Saturday night after everyone went to bed.  I was sipping on some wine, watching UFC (a guilty pleasure that I can't resist, probably twice a year).  I walked out into the backyard, to my parents' garden.  It was quiet.  More quiet than I am used to, living in my apartment on the main drag, where my family listens to the rush of transports all day and night.  No road noise.  Soft grass between my toes.  And crickets, frogs, etc.  It was so peaceful that I didn't know what to do with myself.  It's a very small backyard, but it is beautiful.  And I forced myself to stay out there for a while..

My father, after having been forced into his now pensionless retirement 4 years ago (see http://theperpetualwantrapreneur.blogspot.com/2014/04/i-have-very-good-friend-whos-in-trouble.html), was lost after losing his post-retirement hobby of going to the office, and permanently losing his income.  My parents immediately sold their house in Florida, and they moved to New Jersey, to be closer to my family (my brother wasn't far behind).  They bought a cute little home in a retirement community, which my brother-in-law worked tirelessly to renovate and beautify.  And it is beautiful, inside and out.  But my father needed something to do.  He loves being outside.  So he started painting.  Not on a canvas, mind you (although we did encourage this idea), but on garden figurines.  Yes, the cement ones which adorn the gardens of people all over the world.  His yard is now full of beautifully painted garden statues (as well as my sister's garden, my niece's, my brother's, etc.).  The colors are spectacularly vivid on each and every one of them, as if to give us a peek into the window of his soul.  He also created beautiful birdhouses amongst the greenery.  As kids, we would have never known that he possessed such artistic skill (I'll speak for myself on that one).  As I looked out into the darkness Saturday night, with the soft glow of solar garden lighting cast upon the painted works, I wondered what was going through my father's head in the months following his devastating loss.  He doesn't talk about it much, even when asked.  He's an old-school Hungarian, who is much more apt to dispense great advice on life before discussing his own.  So what was he thinking?  We all know he was deeply hurt.  And he turned to painting.  None of us knew he had such talent.  He had built sheds in the past (not the pre-assembled ones, mind you, but miniature houses, of wood and nails), assembled beautiful stone fireplaces, and he can stack wood in more stunning formations than anything you have ever seen.  He's an artist.  That's what I realized in the garden that night.  Even though he was a textile manager his entire life, without any need to tap into his creative spirit, he has been an artist all along.  And through his art, he found peace.  And if you step into his backyard, you'll see the beauty in his art.  And that's the moral of this story, the theme of this message.  It's never too late to find your passion.  His life is not much different than mine, or yours, in many respects.  He chose to dig deep and engage in self-exploration.  And he found his passion.  That's what I need to do, what we all need to do.  My father loved what he did for fifty years, and he never complained about anything.  He still doesn't complain.  Outwardly, he is an eternal optimist.  Inwardly, nobody knows.  But he is my hero, and I will honor him in my pursuits.  So honor yourself, and whoever else inspires you.  Find your passion.  It's hard as hell, but you can do it.  We can all do it.  And we can walk on the summer grass, cool dew between our toes, content in the knowledge that we have followed our passion, and made a living out of it.  So grab your own "garden gnome" and have at it.  If you can see my father's garden, you'll love what you can create.  

The Force is with us all (whether you like it or not)

My sister burned 3 cds for me last weekend, after watching my son for the weekend while I attended a wedding with my wife in New York City.  It is narrated by Peter Coyote, and it's called Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind.  It's pretty brilliant.  I got what I needed out of it in the first 10 minutes of the cd, which was all about posture.  By adopting the postures necessary for Zazen, I have eliminated virtually all of the stress that has settled in my abdomen.  I'm not kidding.  And this was immediate, seconds after listening to this segment of the book.  I now stand (and sit) like a Buddhist monk throughout my day.  People look at me funny.  But I don't care.  Look, I'm not a Zen master (I'm 3/4 of the way through a really nice bottle of a 2011 Clos Du Bois Pinot Noir, 10:30 pm on a Thursday night).  I have no idea what it even means to be a Zen master, especially after my day at work today, when I read the riot act to three individuals, two of which were my direct reports, in the span of fifteen minutes.  I maintained a professional approach, but there was a lot of fire, and little Zen.  But if I were to have a gander at it, at what I believe is Zen mastery, I think it's Yoda.  And if I'm right, that would be my goal.  Which goes against many of the tenets of Zen Buddhism.  Which is why I'm not a Zen master.  But if I could be one, I would wield a lightsaber like Yoda.  It's my own dream.  I'm probably not the first to aspire to such heights.  But if nobody has started a practice which encompasses the Yoda way to Zen mastery, let me be the first.  Because to kick some ass once in a while falls within the practice of Buddhism, since there is no right, and there is no wrong.  There is only transience, and we are all transient beings, whether we like it or not (more on transience later).  But if you listen to the audiobook, we are virtually all Zen Buddhists.  We all have Buddha within us.  We start with the idea of enlightenment, and work our way back to practice.  Practice, practice, practice.  That is Buddhism.  I am the lowest horse, the one who doesn't move until the whip has penetrated my skin.  That is my state right now.  I am on my third week of consistent 10-25 minute meditations every morning.  And I am devouring this stuff.  Read it, or listen to it.  I'm on my second go-around.  It's excellent.  Here's the link on Amazon: 

 http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Mind-Beginners/dp/B0000544OP. 

Duality is a prevalent theme in the book.  Here is a Star Wars fan's version of duality, for you Star Wars fans out there (or even if you're not; you'll probably understand it better).  I'm working on grasping this concept.  Watch it, and see if you can figure it out.  I couldn't, and still can't.  But I love lightsaber duels.  So I don't care.  Here is the link.  

http://www.galactic-voyage.com/images/Fan%20Movies/duality_640x272_sv3.mov. 

So, transience.  I love this word, and I love how it applies to Buddha nature.  I stole the quote that we are all transients from Star Wars as well, Qui-Gon Jinn, specifically.  He was attempting to teach this concept to Anakin Skywalker, the future Darth Vader. Vader didn't quite get it.  He turned to the dark side (not that there is anything wrong with that, since there is no right or wrong in Buddhism.  It just is).  Obi-Wan Kenobi attempted to train young Darth after Qui-Gonn was killed by a Sith Lord from the dark side.  But he failed as well.  Or succeeded at helping Anakin on to a new career outside of Jedi knighthood.  Nobody can deny Darth Vader's success at ruling the galaxy.  And at the end of the day, we all have to take responsibility for our behaviors, our reactions, our lives.  I relate more to Obi-Wan than anyone else.  He was Zen-like in much of his behavior, but he had a temper, too (an example here, after his mentor Qui-Gon Jinn was impaled by the Sith lord.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oh4l39Lo194

 He is the one without the horns; skip to 3:37 of the clip to view the duel between them.  But the entire piece is kick-ass, especially the pony-tailed Qui-Gon Jinn's meditation before his inevitable death).  Obi-Wan was vulnerable, and I liked that.  We are all vulnerable, and we are in a constant state of transience.   Life flows from one state of affairs to another and another.  That is transience.  That is perpetual change.  And the sooner we accept that life is change, that it is transience, the better off we will be.  I am working on that adaptation, every minute of every day.  Are you working on change?  Have you accepted that it is inevitable, and that it is a undeniable part of our existence?  Are you accepting of the fact that a transient life is a life without good or bad, as the next steps toward enlightenment?  How are you adapting?  Be Yoda, Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, or Darth Vader.  It doesn't matter.  Just be adaptable to inevitable change, and embrace it.  And maybe you can have your own vehicle, with Chewbacca as your co-pilot, capable of traveling at light speed to any corner of our galaxy...

The Identity crisis

VP and the Hatchet man came and went.  It turns out that all of the anxiety brought about by the impending visit had some substance. In no uncertain terms, after a two hour, 3 on 2 interrogation, ahem..business review, we were told in no uncertain terms that we have 12 months to right the ship or managers will lose their jobs (translation:  we have about 3 months to right the ship).  Hatchet Man did not disappoint.  Not only did he raise his mighty ax high above our necks, dried blood on his sharpened blade, ready to strike, some of us were told of two departments that will be dissolved over the next two months.  Eleven jobs will be lost (he swung his ax at one office associate before he left, giving her one week's notice, just for good measure).  Some managers were immediately put on a performance improvement program by our GM, so as to show that he is serious about managing his staff.  It's too little, too late.  His neck is on the line, like the rest of us. Sadly, one of his staff will likely go first so that he can protect himself.  I have been spared the PIP for now, but the pit in my stomach continues to churn.  This is not fun.  It hasn't been since I arrived a year ago.  

Work should be fun, not chaotic.  We were told that we all have to "feel the pain" of our underperforming location. What, isn't this environment painful enough?  Who says that?  Have we lost our minds?  Think about this; CORPORATE AMERICA IS ON A ROAD TO UNSUSTAINABILITY.  It strives for perpetual growth (now, I AM the Perpetual Wantrepreneur, but I don't want to hurt anyone).  This is simply not sustainable.  What happened to running a profitable business, month after month, year after year?  Why must we strive for perpetual growth?  Anybody who takes a job, who doesn't think about this impossibility, is an idiot. Like me.  I am an idiot; even worse, I am a desperate idiot, because I desperately wanted a job that paid a decent salary, even if it was half of what I was accustomed to.  I have had many desperate moments over the past several years of under and unemployment.  But we all make choices.  And it forces you to evaluate yourself.  To question your identity.  After last week's festivities, I began to question myself.  How much longer am I going to take this?  What will it take to take my next risk?  I write this blog to dig deeper into my twisted mind, to discover what it is that keeps me from pursuing my dream of entrepreneurship.  It's fucking torturous at times.  Paralyzing.  I'm not exaggerating here. I can sit and think about it for hours, and still not act.  Ok, so work is busy.  My commute is two hours a day.  I have a 4 month old baby.  But so what?  Who am I?  And why do I keep procrastinating?   You do it too; we all do, to varying degrees. But Jesus, it's been too long.  How many more signs do I need?  How many more threats?  

After the two hour meeting, Hatchet Man noticed that I had printed notes for myself, discussion points for the meeting.  He told me (he didn't ask me, mind you, he ordered me) to send him my notes, and to not "doctor them."  Here comes the hard part, folks; what took place for the next 3 hours, from my drive home to sitting in bed with the love of my life, rivals a George Carlin routine.  And I'm not talking about comedy.  I'm talking about expletives.  I won't drag you through my vodka-induced tirade.  But I can tell you the theme:  Who the fuck is he to confiscate my notes?  I was beyond livid.  Not a very Zen moment.  It began my identity crisis. But I recovered.  I'm sure Gandhi, at one point or another, got pissed off.  Jesus flipped out on the money changers at the temple. We know Buddha didn't begin his life the same way it ended.  And I embarked on a expletive-filled rant for about an hour straight (not my first rant, and not likely the last).  WE ALL HAVE OUR MOMENTS.  IT'S NEVER A CRISIS. We just deal with it.  And learn from it.  Take it for what it is.  For me, it was a necessary shove, a nudge.  Or a push (God, I hope so).  Whatever the challenge before you, don't be too hard on yourself.  It happens to the best of us. 

Going through my divorce nearly seven years ago began a transformation in my life.  I knew that the feeling of "security" was gone (kind of like it is now).  It was a liberating feeling, like being a child again, despite the intense feelings of loss, guilt, etc.  We all have a role to play in our lives, and in relationships, it always takes two to tango.  Always.  And when a relationship ends, there is a new beginning.  When one door shuts, another opens, another window of opportunity, blah, blah, blah...you get the idea.  I bring this up because for those of us who have a degree of awareness, there is always transformation in our lives.  

I used to carry around a Taoist poem.  As I was pondering today's blog, I decided to pull it out again.  It was long overdue:  

Risking everything that I am

to become myself

Juggling balls of fire

where the fire is my own spirit

Transformation is never easy

Watching who you are crumble

While growing into the wonder of something new

I love this. And I've been living it, for several years now. I have taken many risks; some brought me satisfaction, many did not. But take risks. Jump (come on in, the water is freakin' ice cold!). Start something. If you're not ready (which you never will be, by the way, that's why you just have to jump in), then demand that I start something in the comments section. Watch yourself crumble, and grow into something new.  If you are anything like me, you're crumbling anyway, so why not transform into something really cool?  I wrote about baby steps in earlier blogs, a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Take the step.  Think about why you should, and the consequences if you don't.  Is that a risk your willing to take?  

Meditation is not a ten letter word (or, the lazy man's guide to meditation)

As you know, I meditate.  I am not an expert on the subject.  I have read a couple of books (both by Thich Nhat Hanh) to get me started.  And I have found that, at least for now, that is enough.  I would like to revisit those books, but I can't find them.  I have moved about 5 times in the past 6 years.  They were excellent books, and I would love to build on my daily practice.  I will find them eventually (they are likely in my 6 x 6 compartment in the basement of my apartment, along with the a lot of lost dishware).  Luckily, I remember the basics.  That's all that I remember.  It's just deep breathing.  That's it.  Start in whatever position makes you comfortable (I prefer the half lotus position, hands hanging off of my knees, torso erect, sitting on my ottoman with a candle lit about 10 feet away).  You can meditate lying down, or sitting in a comfortable chair.  You can have soothing music (I don't listen to music, for the most part; but if I did, it would probably be the sound of rain.  I love the rain).  And then breathe deeply.  Two or three cleansing breaths, which you hold for a couple of seconds.  Then release.  After those breaths, just focus on breathing.  Don't think about anything else.  Focus on your inhalation, then exhalation.  Inhale completely, and exhale completely.  And slowly.  Keep your breath quiet; don't make too much noise.  And make sure you blow your nose first; it reduces the struggle to keep quiet.  And try not think about anything but your breathing.  That is the toughest part.  Just repeat to yourself, any way you want, in your native tongue, "breathing in, breathing out."  My major distraction is the thought of sex, since I enjoy that more than meditating.  Meditation is necessary, but to be frank, sex is much more fun.  Maybe someday I'll be able to meditate on sex (there's an idea for a book; as you can see, my challenges are many).  Anyway, this all takes practice.  Lots of it.  And it needs to be a daily practice.  I shoot for a morning meditation, before coffee.  And a nighttime meditation before I sleep.  But most of the time, it's just a morning event.  As you get better, you can tweak your practice any way you want.  You can meditate on anything.  Since my attention span is so short, I focus only on breathing and avoiding thoughts of sex.  That's where I'm at.  But my intention is to be able to meditate on all that I strive for in my quest for entrepreneurship, on life, on daily goals.  To focus my thoughts on singular goals, whatever they may be on any given day.  So pick a place.  And a time.  And some music, or none at all.  And breathe deeply (I forgot one more very important thing; you don't need to spend a lot of time on this.  Start with five minutes, or less, and build your way up as you get better.  Or just stay at five minutes.  I am up to about twenty minutes, but sometimes only 5-10.  And it is always enough).  You may not feel the immediate effect, but once you are done, your day will feel different.  Your will handle your challenges more calmly.  People and circumstances will be less irritating.  And you can breathe deeply any time over the course of the day (my favorite place is on a bathroom stop or at my desk, when anxiety or stress creep up on you).  I promise you, it works.  So start tonight, or tomorrow.  Don't wait too long.  You will feel like you've accomplished something big, tapping into the wonder of thousands of years of practice given to us by some of the greatest minds the earth has ever known (Buddha, Ghandi, Thich Nhat Hanh, and so many of the great Far Eastern influencers throughout history).  Become a part of history.  Tap into the best source of peace available.  It's free, and universal, and at your fingertips.  Sit down.  Relax.  And breathe deeply.  It's the next step in your journey.  And the world is waiting for you.

An Eternal Spring

Well, all's well that ends well with my friend who was seemingly on the chopping block.  For now.  He still has a job, but he's on a "warning" for conduct.  Apparently having an opinion is a violation of the company's conduct policy, especially since it didn't line up with the opinion of his manager....very curious.  In the meantime, he knows his days are likely numbered if he is to continue to operate in the manner that he is accustomed to.  Otherwise, it's time to return to the herd, another hopeless sheep in the corporate pasture...

I struggle with the struggles of others.  I want to help, and often find myself carrying their load, their cross, whatever you want to call it.  I carry it emotionally and physically.  My ego finds a way to make their problems my own.  And it often derails my own progress.  This isn't just for friends and colleagues in business, but in life.  And the last couple of weeks certainly sidetracked my own progress.  Corporate is coming to town, the VP along with the "Hatchet Man", a man with the reputation.  I've been told by many corporate colleagues with whom I have a good relationship that when this individual comes to town, somebody loses their job.  This is the boss of the other individual who wanted to send the entire facility back to work minutes after losing their jobs in America's Saddest City.  I told him to "go upstairs" as he walked the floor, parading people back to their stations.  This was a year ago.  I haven't seen him since, and neither has my boss.  And  with my boss under the gun for months, his possible replacement being hired to train within the region, the trickle-down effect of stress at the facility can be cut with a knife.  And with my own challenges escalating over the next few days at the office, there appears to be a direct relationship between the rising stress levels at work and the drop in progress in the pursuit of my own dreams.  It's a push-pull relationship; I can only devote energy to one, not both.  The choice seems logical, right?  

Well, it's easier said than done.  I spent my entire Sunday dreading going to work this week.  They will be in town for three days.  And on Easter Sunday, starting in the morning, it began...the emails.  Did you do this?  Make sure you read this.  Be familiar with that.  Will you attend dinner.  A random joke in between, as if to prove that there was no sense of panic.  It was too late.  Whatever hasn't been done up to this point won't be done.  We've all done the best we can, given the circumstances (see Don Miguel Ruiz' 4th agreement).  Some have done better than others.  I've done the best I can.  I can do more, of course.  We all can.  But whatever my progress to this point, that is where it stands.  I will explain this, and my challenges.  And I will remember, as I go through this week, that I don't want this anymore, to answer to people who wield WAY too much power and influence over people.  And late last night, laying in bed with the love of my life, it became clear.  As she suggested solutions to my problem, talking it through with me, I wondered what was missing.  Why all of this anxiety?  I have so much to be thankful for.  I have a potential interview this week, with a company located closer to my family.  I have a beautiful wife, and a delightfully happy new baby.  I have the best family a guy can ask for.  And there's a really good chance that I may meet with my wife's estranged parents this weekend, a wonderful first step.  So what do I do?  Meditate.  I meditated for twenty minutes this morning.  I had meditated every day for the ten days prior, and I felt great.  Then the last two days slipped away without meditation.  Meditation sets the reset button.  This may seem an abrupt end to a long story, and I'm sure it's familiar.  We all get caught up.  I'm not even going to go through the list; you know yours and I know mine.  How will you tackle your list today?  Start with what will help your journey, and dump the rest.  An enema for the soul.  Redirect your priorities.  You can't do it all.  So be choosy.  Pick the things that best benefit you and the ones you love.  It's Monday.  It's the day after Easter.  I'm not religious, but it's supposed to be a time of renewal.  It's springtime.  There, how's that?  No religious connection.  The flowers will be blooming.  The buds of the countless trees will begin to sprout.  Maybe they already have where you live.  Be the bud.  Sprout the new you, and what you want for your life.  Meditate (more on this later).  It's so simple and effective, you'll wonder why you've waited so long.  And make it the first eternal spring you've ever had.