The Identity crisis

VP and the Hatchet man came and went.  It turns out that all of the anxiety brought about by the impending visit had some substance. In no uncertain terms, after a two hour, 3 on 2 interrogation, ahem..business review, we were told in no uncertain terms that we have 12 months to right the ship or managers will lose their jobs (translation:  we have about 3 months to right the ship).  Hatchet Man did not disappoint.  Not only did he raise his mighty ax high above our necks, dried blood on his sharpened blade, ready to strike, some of us were told of two departments that will be dissolved over the next two months.  Eleven jobs will be lost (he swung his ax at one office associate before he left, giving her one week's notice, just for good measure).  Some managers were immediately put on a performance improvement program by our GM, so as to show that he is serious about managing his staff.  It's too little, too late.  His neck is on the line, like the rest of us. Sadly, one of his staff will likely go first so that he can protect himself.  I have been spared the PIP for now, but the pit in my stomach continues to churn.  This is not fun.  It hasn't been since I arrived a year ago.  

Work should be fun, not chaotic.  We were told that we all have to "feel the pain" of our underperforming location. What, isn't this environment painful enough?  Who says that?  Have we lost our minds?  Think about this; CORPORATE AMERICA IS ON A ROAD TO UNSUSTAINABILITY.  It strives for perpetual growth (now, I AM the Perpetual Wantrepreneur, but I don't want to hurt anyone).  This is simply not sustainable.  What happened to running a profitable business, month after month, year after year?  Why must we strive for perpetual growth?  Anybody who takes a job, who doesn't think about this impossibility, is an idiot. Like me.  I am an idiot; even worse, I am a desperate idiot, because I desperately wanted a job that paid a decent salary, even if it was half of what I was accustomed to.  I have had many desperate moments over the past several years of under and unemployment.  But we all make choices.  And it forces you to evaluate yourself.  To question your identity.  After last week's festivities, I began to question myself.  How much longer am I going to take this?  What will it take to take my next risk?  I write this blog to dig deeper into my twisted mind, to discover what it is that keeps me from pursuing my dream of entrepreneurship.  It's fucking torturous at times.  Paralyzing.  I'm not exaggerating here. I can sit and think about it for hours, and still not act.  Ok, so work is busy.  My commute is two hours a day.  I have a 4 month old baby.  But so what?  Who am I?  And why do I keep procrastinating?   You do it too; we all do, to varying degrees. But Jesus, it's been too long.  How many more signs do I need?  How many more threats?  

After the two hour meeting, Hatchet Man noticed that I had printed notes for myself, discussion points for the meeting.  He told me (he didn't ask me, mind you, he ordered me) to send him my notes, and to not "doctor them."  Here comes the hard part, folks; what took place for the next 3 hours, from my drive home to sitting in bed with the love of my life, rivals a George Carlin routine.  And I'm not talking about comedy.  I'm talking about expletives.  I won't drag you through my vodka-induced tirade.  But I can tell you the theme:  Who the fuck is he to confiscate my notes?  I was beyond livid.  Not a very Zen moment.  It began my identity crisis. But I recovered.  I'm sure Gandhi, at one point or another, got pissed off.  Jesus flipped out on the money changers at the temple. We know Buddha didn't begin his life the same way it ended.  And I embarked on a expletive-filled rant for about an hour straight (not my first rant, and not likely the last).  WE ALL HAVE OUR MOMENTS.  IT'S NEVER A CRISIS. We just deal with it.  And learn from it.  Take it for what it is.  For me, it was a necessary shove, a nudge.  Or a push (God, I hope so).  Whatever the challenge before you, don't be too hard on yourself.  It happens to the best of us. 

Going through my divorce nearly seven years ago began a transformation in my life.  I knew that the feeling of "security" was gone (kind of like it is now).  It was a liberating feeling, like being a child again, despite the intense feelings of loss, guilt, etc.  We all have a role to play in our lives, and in relationships, it always takes two to tango.  Always.  And when a relationship ends, there is a new beginning.  When one door shuts, another opens, another window of opportunity, blah, blah, blah...you get the idea.  I bring this up because for those of us who have a degree of awareness, there is always transformation in our lives.  

I used to carry around a Taoist poem.  As I was pondering today's blog, I decided to pull it out again.  It was long overdue:  

Risking everything that I am

to become myself

Juggling balls of fire

where the fire is my own spirit

Transformation is never easy

Watching who you are crumble

While growing into the wonder of something new

I love this. And I've been living it, for several years now. I have taken many risks; some brought me satisfaction, many did not. But take risks. Jump (come on in, the water is freakin' ice cold!). Start something. If you're not ready (which you never will be, by the way, that's why you just have to jump in), then demand that I start something in the comments section. Watch yourself crumble, and grow into something new.  If you are anything like me, you're crumbling anyway, so why not transform into something really cool?  I wrote about baby steps in earlier blogs, a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Take the step.  Think about why you should, and the consequences if you don't.  Is that a risk your willing to take?