Blocks

There is a reason why this blog is called The Perpetual Wantrepreneur.  Amongst many things, it's about the journey, a journey, in this case, my journey toward entrepreneurship.  This has been an evolutionary process, longer than I care to speak about (I believe I mentioned a 30 year journey early on; it hasn't been quite that long, but long enough).  Entrepreneurship, as well as many other things in my life, has gone unfinished.  I am the classic brilliant artist, my work incomplete, for others to discover after my time has passed (just allow for some license here, and pretend that I actually AM a brilliant artist).  But we ARE artists, right?  All of us. I'll spare the excessive cliche here, but honestly, what's your canvas?  I've selected the dream of self-employment as mine, for the sake of this blog, hoping that some divine inspiration may come of it all, in the process lending some inspiration to others.  I have other dreams, too.  Not just entrepreneurship.  Even if it seems like an eternity to realize these dreams at times.  I've had my moments of glory in expressing this in my 18 posts, but it's still really early in the game.  And I like to believe that the same can be said about my journey toward entrepreneurship.  But it's simply not true, to be honest..

I had a friend tell me recently that there must be some kind of block in regard to my pursuit.  In all of my years of thinking about this, she was right.  It has to be a block.  I would like to explore this much more deeply, to get to the root cause.  I'm a troubleshooter by trade; why can't I figure this out on my own?  How can I explain such a grand delay?  Jesus, I've started and finished so many things that I can't stand doing so much more efficiently than this pursuit.  This is supposed to be my dream, my legacy, my livelihood!  Yet here I am, blogging about my dreams and not making them my reality.  Aside from my own block, how much longer will you hang on, as I drag you through this agony?  Surely you must see some of the pain in this; and maybe that's why you tune in (or will eventually tune out).  Either way, I'm ok with the outcome.  I have no expectations here.  If you are honest with yourself, you are sure to find a block in your life, something that inhibits your progress to attaining your dreams.  Do you dream?  What does a dream life look like to you?  What direction is this dream headed, if you have even had the courage to have one, and who are you sharing it with?  Dreaming is easy.  Chasing a dream is another matter entirely.  I've shared a bunch of them with you.  Have a frank conversation with yourself, and think about what you can really do differently tomorrow to take that first step in your thousand mile journey.  Many times over the course of this journey, my first instinct was to run:  I'm in the wrong place.  I can't make it happen here.  Pursue my dreams here?  I hate it here!  Guess what..I'm going to preach presence again.  Because it works.  Remember where you are, right here, right now.  I'm pretty far removed from what I'm accustomed to (simply put, I'm in a sparsely populated area).  There is a lot of farmland.  And a lot of natural beauty.  No matter what the outcome of my life, I am staying put today, staying present.  No more running for me (although it is a constant temptation).  I'll never get anywhere unless I don't go anywhere.  And you may be at mile marker 999, and you don't even know it.

I'm not posting a title (or, the essence of not doing)

I am losing focus of my entrepreneurial goals.  I said it.  I don't make excuses for my actions (or inactions) whether they are at the office or in the home.  And it's easy to be distracted.  We have so much to compete against.  I don't have to go through the list of our daily distractions.  I've shared them in earlier blogs (see https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2474698936458418914#editor/target=post;postID=3174183968777868833;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=16;src=postname). IT'S SO EASY.  I've read articles on how to combat these distractions.  I've meditated (and continue to meditate; here's another shameless plug https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2474698936458418914#editor/target=post;postID=7334310094380346452;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=10;src=postname).  But we succumb.  It's not always media driven distraction.  Sometimes it's just life.  Maybe you're dealing with serious personal issues at home.  Or pressures at work.  Maybe you're drinking too much (or not enough; there's some duality for you.  That's what yin-yang is all about.  Don't be so hard on yourself).  Or maybe you're looking for a place to live (like I am). Pick a time of day, and you'll likely find more distraction than you care to even deal with anymore.  Focusing on finding a home where I don't have to pay property tax would make this process so much more pleasurable (one more https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2474698936458418914#editor/target=post;postID=5805356391740649090;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=1;src=postname).  Just another distraction..the fact of the matter is, we are here, right here, right now.  Regardless of where "here" may be.  And in this presence, we should do by not doing.  That's right.  Doing by not doing.  I love this concept.  And when I apply it, it never fails.  Never.  Do you need help understanding this?  Simple concept.  The Tao Te Ching is full of simple concepts, many of which I don't understand, after reading them dozens of times.  I have a copy on my desk, and I refer to it often. So I keep reading it.  Over and over.  Some concepts are easily grasped.  The rest I'll understand once I'm enlightened, but by then I won't care anymore that I never understood them.  Anyway, here you go..

Chapter 63

Act without action
Manage without meddling
Taste without tasting
Great, small, many, few
Respond to hatred with virtue

Plan difficult tasks through the simplest tasks
Achieve large tasks through the smallest tasks
The difficult tasks of the world
Must be handled through the simple tasks
The large tasks of the world
Must be handled through the small tasks
Therefore, sages never attempt great deeds all through life
Thus they can achieve greatness

One who makes promises lightly must deserve little trust
One who sees many easy tasks must encounter much difficulty
Therefore, sages regard things as difficult
So they never encounter difficulties all through life

If this is too much, try this condensed interpretation by Oasis:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8DRI-D7-WQ

"Be Here Now"

Wash your face in the morning sun
Flash your pen at the song that I'm singing
Touchdown bass living on the run
Make no sweat at the hole that you're digging 
Wrap up cold when it's warm outside
Your shit jokes remind me of Digsy's
Be my magic carpet ride
Fly me down to capital city in the sun

Kicking up a storm from the day that I was born
Sing a song for me one from 'Let It Be'
Open up your eyes get a grip on yourself inside.....

TAXES! (you will be intrigued, I assure you)

Let's talk taxes (I'm not kidding).  I'm not an expert on the subject.  As I may have mentioned in past blogs (if I didn't, I will tell you now) one of my dreams of entrepreneurship is in the arena of being a nomad entrepreneur.  For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it is essentially an internet-based business endeavor that can be run from anywhere with an internet connection.  Now, this is a simplistic description; there must be much more to it.  But I discovered tonight through the Nomad Capitalist (http://nomadcapitalist.com/, one of my LinkedIn connections) that there are many benefits to being a nomad businessperson.  For starters (and for the sake of this blog, in conclusion) there are many tax benefits, depending upon where you decide to base your business.  Like I said, I am no tax expert.  My tax return should take me 15 minutes to do on Turbotax, but last year it took me 3 hours (this may have been because I was about to shut down the plant I was running in Connecticut, to move to upstate NY-aka, Canada-and the wine was flowing as my attention span deteriorated).  This year I went to H&R Block, paid the $275, and hit a pothole, blew a tire, wrecked my bearings, and did $800 damage to my car.  Anyway, my point is that my forte is not in the tax arena.  But some recent events got me thinking, and drew me to this subject.

As I stated, I want to be a nomad entrepreneur.  Very romantic idea.  In one of my earlier blogs (https://theperpetualwantrapreneur.blogspot.com/b/post-preview?token=saLx90cBAAA.3lYHRxF_CvooyeGa3FvcCA.tiiCqnwLSFzOrF9SfECGUw&postId=6319805919763263002&type=POST), I've decided to stay put for the time being here in upstate NY.  I want to continue to generate a good income from my present position as I continue to pursue the dream of entrepreneurship.  When I'm ready, I will jump in.  But where to?  The world is our oyster; but is it?  Where would you want to live, if you made the choice?

We started looking for home this past weekend.  With a 7 month old baby who continues to eat, crawl, and grow, it was time to dip our toes into the real estate market.  And it was sobering.  We are in sub-arctic Canada (it's really cold up here).  You would hope that real estate is cheaper, relative to say, the tri-state area of NYC, New Jersey, and Connecticut.  And it is.  But taxes are outrageous!  How much do we really have to pay in property tax to justify a child's education?  It's ludicrous.  Regardless of your mortgage amount and how long it takes to pay it off (many of us take on 30 year mortgages), you will continue to pay PROPERTY TAXES.  And in our area, we are looking at 9-10K/per year, minimum.  Surrounding suburbia around here is even higher, in the 12K range/year.  And property taxes don't usually fall; they continue to climb, year after year.  So essentially, you may eventually own your home (when your 60+, provided you bought your home at 30), but think about those taxes!  Over that period, you may end up paying 200-300K in property taxes!  So, you may own your home, but you are paying rent to the local authorities FOR ETERNITY.  You might as well keep renting until you can buy a house in say, Fiji, where there are no property taxes.  Or Croatia.  Or Malta.  Or Liechtenstein.  Or Israel.  Not to mention the Bahamas, Bermuda, the Cayman Islands, where there is no income tax.  Now, stating all of this may be controversial.  This is a hot button topic, politically.  But the rich have known about these havens for a very long time.  Do you want to think like the rich, in the knowledge that you will soon be one of them with a successful business, or do you want to whine about how the rich aren't taxed enough?  I'm not financially rich, but I plan to be.  Don't you?  Isn't that possibly one of the reasons why you are reading this and so many other blogs, geared at ramping you up for success?  I'll be damned if I piss my money away.  I've done enough of that.  So, in my dream scenario, I launch while still employed by my employer, ramp up, and jump in, leaving my employer for good.  Then get out of Dodge.  And save MY money for MY own personal use.  I don't want to rent a house, or the land that it sits on (Hungary fits this bill very nicely).  Just to reel it back in a bit, this is my vision.  Not everyone wants to live the nomadic life (most of us probably don't).  But regardless of what opinion you hold, this is valuable information.  There are choices, if you dream a little bigger, outside of your little box (I live in this box, and sometimes it is very comfy).  We all work hard for our money.  Whatever you decide, don't piss it away.

Momentum, redux..

I recently wrote a post about momentum, and how important it is to maintain it in life.  If you haven't noticed already, I AM FLAWED.  I know, how is that possible?  I mean, I write my own blog (on average, probably about once every two weeks; hardly a regular contribution to my work).  I came home from Hungary with all of the inspiration I thought I would need.  But wine will only take you so far (maybe I should reconsider this particular inspiration; your thoughts are welcomed).  This particular hiatus lasted three weeks.  Hardly a case for maintaining momentum.  I've been relaxed, to be sure.  Very relaxed.  So relaxed that the thought of putting my fingers to the keyboard has been an afterthought, by the time my son has been put to bed.  Eight o'clock PM used to be prime time (actually, 10 pm is prime time)!  It's not like I haven't had any material; I've had plenty.  And it hasn't all been inspired by the idea of winemaking (but much of the inspiration has come from wine drinking).  And here I am, once again.  Wine glass in hand (on the high chair, in this case; don't judge me.  Or go ahead and judge me; I won't care anyway.  I learned that from my father.  Thank you, Apu).  Actually, I will spare you the trouble.  I will go ahead and make some judgments of my own.

It isn't easy to maintain momentum.  In the period following Lance Armstrong's fall from grace, I got to thinking about his rise.  I was a huge fan; the battle back from cancer, the 7 straight yellow jersey finishes in the Tour de France, the LIVESTRONG foundation for cancer research and support.  Nearly all of my father's side of the family (he had six brothers and two sisters) died from cancer, including his father.  Not to mention my mother's sister and mother (seven girls and two boys on her side).  Cancer has had it's way with my family (my mother, father, and sister have had it and survived; my father has had three different cancers, not to mention his aortic valve replacement..82 years old, and still kicking ass).  I read Lance's autobiography (despite his decline, it's still an inspirational story.  As controlling as he was, I have to believe that he still beat the cancer that spread from his testicles to his lymph nodes to his lungs to his brain, etc.).  We are all flawed, and I won't judge him.  After that battle, he admitted that he still took for granted the fact that he had cancer and survived.  He never wanted to forget the fact that he was almost dead, and he wanted to live every day like it was his last.  But we all do this, every day.  And most of us haven't had to contend with such pain and suffering.  It was an important truth that he shared with the world.  We all want to live our life that way, even if we haven't been struck with potentially terminal cancer.  He survived it all, and still took his life for granted.  So do I.  And so do you (it's ok to admit it.  Can you imagine if we all did that every day?  I'd be Bill Murray in Groundhog Day..).  The fact that he beat this cancer, as advanced as it was, is far greater an accomplishment than any Tour victory.  It doesn't matter that he doesn't live every day like its his last.  He's alive to face his charges, pay his price, and move on.  I don't follow anything about his life anymore.  But honestly, who cares about the yellow jerseys.  HE'S ALIVE.  And so am I.  And so are you.  

So I slipped.  I let three weeks go by without a blog to write.  It's not a proud moment, but life is full of questions and complications.  It's what makes it fun to be alive.  Who the hell wants to be predictable?  I've predicted the behavior of way too many people (some of which have had way too much influence over my life, for way too long).  I like being unpredictable.  It's not by choice, it's my nature (and Mum, if you're reading this one, you know better than anybody).  There is no hook to this blog, so don't look for it.  I'm not going to tie it up with any words of inspiration.  On this one, fill in the blanks.  I plan on providing inspiration to the people who are reading my blog, before and after this one (and I am grateful and humbled by this, every day.  I do NOT take that for granted, I promise this).  Take this moment to do a little introspection, and take a hard look inside of yourself.  I don't care what you find.  But pull it out, and shake it off.  Kick it, shuffle your feet across it.  It's time for a self examination.  There is a danger in writing a transparent blog.  But in the end, you have to be true to your message.  I'll stand by you on this one.  And with that, a great song that has been a regular part of my repertoire as of late...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maTP315XZCQ

The most influential Austrian wine you have ever had (at 35,000 feet)

In the days leading up to my vacation, there was quite a bit of change on the work front, and the home front.  Changes in leadership at work, and I married my long time girlfriend after way too long.  Change is good, they say.  I believe that to be true.  But I needed a break, and some inspiration.  And I got both on my long overdue trip to Hungary.  

A lot has changed over the nearly four years since my last visit.  Back in September of 2010, my trip was an exploratory one.  I set up interviews with several recruiters in Hungary, in the hope of landing a management position with a multinational company. And I traveled the country (parents in tow) to meet with each of them over a 10 day stay.  There was a lot of romance to the idea of working there, and a lot of high expectations.  I fully expected to land an interview with a big company as a result of this trip, with my dual US/EU citizenship, intermediate Hungarian language skills, and desperate hope.  One of the recruiters was so excited to hear that I could actually converse in Hungarian that he was sure that he would land me an interview.  I needed a change, and I needed that job. And I wanted out of Florida, once and for all.  And as you know, if you have read any of my previous blogs, this did not pan out. Despite my best effort, it was not to be.  And it was devastating.  It would be another 18 months before I was working at my new position in Waterbury, Connecticut, with my present employer.  

The motivation for this trip was different.  Above all else, I needed a break.  I hadn't had any sort of extended vacation since my last trip to Hungary.  It was necessary, and I don't recall a time in my life where I had been more ready for a change of scenery.  I didn't know what to expect this time.  I met my parents there, and it was a whirlwind for much of the time, given my enormous family.  I spent a lot of time amongst the grapes that grow behind my property, and even more time imbibing on the fermented fruit's delightful wine (in my cellar, the kitchen, the bedroom, the grass..).  Much inspiration has come from sipping on the nectar of the gods (my blogs included, on more than one occasion).  But it was my trip back home on Austrian Airlines that provided my biggest inspiration from the trip.  

We flew United on the way to Vienna, and they charge for wine (out of a plastic bottle).  Now, I'm not a wine snob.  I know a little about wine, even less about growing it.  But if you're going to charge 8$ for a split, please bottle it in glass.  Austrian Airlines, and every other European airline that I have ever flown, doesn't charge for their wine.  And I got my money's worth on this flight.   

The Austrians are known for their white wines.  So I started with that (in a glass split).  I navigated the programming options on the screen in front of me, and there were several Austrian programs to choose from.  I chose a 48 minute program that covered the wine growing regions in Austria.  Amidst the stunning views and history of Austrian wine growing (which did not begin until about 30 years ago, after a 150 year hiatus in most parts of the country), there was one story that compelled me to:  1.  Try the Austrian red wine offering, 2.  Have 2 more whites and another red, and 3.  Finally take seriously the idea of turning my tiny little vineyard into a business opportunity.  It was the story of a man, about my age, who had always wanted to grow his own wine after his father retired from the family business.  He had his vines tested, and as it turned out, his grapes were of an ancient, somewhat rare status, with several other types of grapes in its lineage.  And low and behold, one of those grapes were precisely the type growing behind my unassuming summer home.  Of course, this man's life of wine growing was somewhat romanticized in this documentary; but honestly, what isn't romantic about the idea of having your own vineyard and profiting off of its bounty?  He even sells some of his wine to a local chocolatier, who makes chocolate laced with his wine.  I would have never bought my little property if I didn't feel the same way.  And I have been discouraged in the past by people close to me when I would entertain the idea of pursuing a business in Hungary, built around the idea of selling wine.  The gentleman in Austria runs his business off of 1 hectare of vines (about 2 1/4 acres).  I haven't measured it out yet, but I think I'm damn close to that.  Whatever the case, it has me thinking.  And I want to get my vines tested by a European commission, to verify the lineage.  Why not me, to pursue this dream?  And if you have a dream that has been shot down, why not you?  If you are reading this blog, you have a dream of building something of your own, whether lofty or modest (or maybe you have already traveled this road, and have fulfilled your dream.  If this is the case, please share with the rest of us!).   This has been my dream since I bought this slice of heaven 10 years ago.  I renewed my Hungarian passport on this trip, which will actually be an EU passport when it arrives.  Changes in motion; and I am initiating the change.  Things don't happen by accident or by osmosis.  You have to chase these dreams.  Are you ready to take the necessary steps?  Am I?  I can say that you will be reading about my steps as I continue to write.  Some may seem relevant to this dream, and some may not.  But I'm putting it out there, dammit.  And so should you.  Throw it up against the proverbial wall (of the Universe), and see if it sticks.  It may stick on the first toss, or the seventh, or the twentieth.  It doesn't matter.  We are persistent and tenacious, we wantrepreneurs/entrepreneurs.  It's what makes us special.  So wind up, and let it fly.  The world is waiting for you...

Momentum

Momentum is a crucial part of growth in life, love, or business.  I believe this.  You can use sports analogies as proof; pick your sport.  I watched Costa Rica play Greece in the World Cup round of 16 today, with one less player for more than half the game, and they won. Greece attacked on several occasions, but Costa Rica played a great defensive match. They repeatedly repelled Greece's onslaught, right up until regular time ended.  And Greece had its opportunities.  Then came the penalty kicks, and they pulled it off, winning 5-3 on the penalties.  Same thing with the Netherlands today.  They were down 1-0, tied it up in the 88th minute, and won on a penalty kick just before the end of the match (this is the team I picked to win it all, by the way).  I wasn't sure that they would beat Mexico, the way they were playing.  But they swung the momentum in their direction.  The penalty kick was controversial, but instant replay showed that they were robbed of a penalty opportunity earlier in the match.  So turnabout is fair play, right?  And besides, I wanted them to win.  

As I said, momentum in sport is as important as it is in life.  It's tough to kickstart a pursuit over and over again as it lies dormant in the back of your mind.  I feel the same way in regard to this blog; the blogs flow much more easily if I continue to write on a regular basis.  I can write after a long layoff, but it is tougher.  Momentum makes it easier, like gravity rolling a ball downhill.  It's one of life's greatest sayings, "I'm on a roll."  It doesn't mean that your mayonnaise slathered on a ball of baked dough.  It means that you're rolling, creating, moving the needle in the intended direction.  And you need a spark, something to move the needle.  Sometimes it's referred to as the "a-ha" moment.  Whatever the case, you can't start a fire without a spark, to quote Mr. Bruce Springsteen.  We all need a spark. As you may know, if you read my first post, I am an incredibly slow starter...

http://theperpetualwantrapreneur.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-perpetual-wantrepreneur-my-journey.html

But you can create momentum in your life, to move yourself closer to your goals and your dreams.  My momentum has been slowly rolling for a couple of years now, some of the details of which being shared in earlier posts.  My latest momentum?   A beautiful baby six months ago tomorrow, and a marriage to my beautiful wife two days ago.  I have to build the momentum, to keep the spark alive.  I have to decide upon the legacy I will leave my children.  There is much that I have preached that I haven't done enough in practice.  And the biggest one? Take  a guess.  I've been preaching since my kids were old enough to speak that they should work for themselves, and don't depend on anyone else for a living.  They were old enough to understand this about 4 years before I was fired from my long time employer. I should have been exploring my entrepreneurial journey a long time ago.  But regardless, I continued to preach.  My son is 6 months old.  I want him to remember the fact that his father owned his own business, once he is old enough to recall such events.  That's the legacy I want to create.  And I believe it's time to set a deadline; August.  Before September 1st, I want to have an idea for a business and begin the necessary steps to start it.  I'm leaving for Hungary in 4 days, for a much needed vacation, rest, and inspiration.  I've been going there since I was 9 months old, and it is calling me again, as it always does.  It is home, and full of life.  My entire family lives there.  And I plan to spend a lot of time with them, and time in my summer cottage, near the Austrian Alps, overlooking the beautiful Hungarian countryside.  Man needs to experience nature, to be outdoors, to be fed the inspiration that nature provides.  There is more inspiration in the Universe's creation than anything the internet can provide.  See for yourself.  Find your favorite place outdoors.  Then go there.  Take a deep breath, and hold it.  Close your eyes.  Then open them again, and look around.  Feel your surroundings, and ask yourself; what is your spark?  Start the fire, and burn it completely.  Leave nothing but ashes.  Then you will succeed in your pursuits.  Pick your spot, and seek your inspiration.  You'll be very surprised to know that it's closer than you think. 

A New Hope

So the title of this blog is derived from the original Star Wars movie, the most inspirational movie of my life.  But that won't be the theme of this blog (see http://theperpetualwantrapreneur.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-force-is-with-us-all-whether-you.html ).  I've learned a lot about life over the past 5 decades, and probably more about myself over the past 5 years than the rest of my years combined.  It's difficult to describe what the definition of life is. There are several in the dictionary, but this one is my favorite:   the general or universal condition of human existence.  There are so many cliches to describe our lives; the grass is always greener on the other side. The early bird gets the worm.  Old habits die hard (sound familiar?).  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Laughter is the best medicine.  When the going gets tough, etc., etc., etc..I suppose there is good reason why these cliches have stuck around for so long.  As I said in my first blog, I don't have an agenda for my writing.  And as I write, my hope is that my experiences will help those who take the time to read it.  I am honored by the fact that my blog has been read in the US, Canada, Hungary, Germany Malaysia, India, Lithuania, Russia, Ukraine..I am honored by the interest of so many people in my journey.  But I think I can do so much more to help.  So I will share with you the conclusion of what I suppose you can call the first chapter of my blog, my thoughts going forward, and how recent events in my wantrepreneurial journey have shaped my life, and how it can help to influence yours. 

I met the new general manager last week.  For those of you who follow the astrology path, he is a Virgo, just like me.  We were born a day apart.  The energy was so positive when he was introduced to me by the VP that there had to be a logical (or astrological) explanation.  So it's a good start.  But I won't be fooled.  I need to move on.  For those of you in a similar position, be thankful if you report to somebody that you can have a good working relationship with.  But remember, that can change in an instant.  Or maybe it already has, possibly for the worse.  Or maybe it's just been a very unhealthy relationship all along. Hence, this blog.  Be ready to move, to pivot, to change.  Get uncomfortable.  This is how I plan to do it.  

I've spent the last six years of under and unemployment waiting for and creating the next opportunity.  When the going got tough, I looked to the horizon; there are other companies out there who need my services, where I can prove myself and earn a good living, until the next opportunity comes along.  And I can get out of my present predicament.  This has been my mentality, even up until a couple of days ago.  I figured, the GM with whom I've worked with for two years is gone.  It's time to find a job closer to my family in New Jersey.  Get out while I can!  Watch out, hear comes the axe!  Well, guess what.  It's bullshit.  And a copout. I've been running at the first sign of trouble for so long, that I've forgotten how to recognize my accomplishments, be confident in my abilities, and stay put until I'm ready to move on.  I mentioned last post that I'm getting married this week.  And it's got me thinking, about how to get myself out of my comfort zone until I am ready to make the jump into entrepreneurship, and out of the corporate world.  And the answer is, (drumroll, please.........) I'm going to stay put.  I'm not running anymore.  I've earned a reputation here (two turnaround successes in two years).  Parts of that reputation may not always put me in good standing with the powers that be.  But I've earned their respect.  And that's worth something. I don't want to move around.  My dream?  To have a business that is mobile, where I can operate the business from anywhere in the world.  Upstate NY is beautiful, and still driving distance from my family. With plenty of airports that can take me to Hungary.  Wherever you may be in your career, prove yourself while your there.  Work hard.  Impress yourself.  Go home knowing that you gave it 120%, each and every day.  It's the best training you can possibly present to yourself.  How will you make it on your own if you can't make it where you are?  We're going to need this experience to make it on our own, times ten (at least). There is value to where you are right now.  You are there for a reason (pick you astrological, religious, philosophical, or universal slant here).  No matter what your choice, YOU ARE THERE TO LEARN.  So learn EVERYTHING you possibly can at your job.  Consider it training for the leap to freedom.  And find a mentor or life coach or whatever you want to call it, paid or unpaid.  Start finding people in your community who think the same way that you do, who are looking for like-minded people to share and gain experience from.  You won't learn from your friends, your family, or the like (unless you come from an entrepreneurial background, which in that case, DEVOUR THE MINDS OF YOUR FAMILY, AND SEEK OUT THE ONES WHO ARE CONTENT IN THEIR ENTREPRENEURIAL JOURNEY).  This is business, and you need somebody who has been there, done that.  Somebody smarter than you.  You won't learn if you're not challenged.  I'm searching for the right coach right now.  It may cost me a bit financially.  But ask yourself; when was the last time that you invested in yourself?  I'm not talking about college or university, but YOURSELF?  I'm worth it, and so are you.  So start looking.  John Lee Dumas of the Entrepreneur on Fire podcast has interviewed some amazing entrepreneurs.  Skim through some of his podcasts, and have a listen to somebody who may fit your mold.  They may not end up your mentor, but they will offer guidance. There is somebody of interest there for me, and his name is Adam Urbanski.  I'm looking into it.  So here you go: http://www.entrepreneuronfire.com/podcasts/.  Good luck, and I'll see you on the other side..

Tumult, carnage, and peace?

UFC, red wine, and the painted garden

I spent the weekend with my family in New Jersey, at my mother and father's house.  It was a much needed break; I haven't had a full blown vacation in nearly three years.  This was just an extra day, a Friday off before the Memorial Day weekend.  And the weekend provided a little more perspective for me.  

There were many great moments over the three days-walking the boardwalk for the first time with my wife and son, a great dinner with my brother and his fiance, breakfast with my niece and husband at their beautiful new home.  But there was one moment that stands out above the rest; a moment when I was completely alone, Saturday night after everyone went to bed.  I was sipping on some wine, watching UFC (a guilty pleasure that I can't resist, probably twice a year).  I walked out into the backyard, to my parents' garden.  It was quiet.  More quiet than I am used to, living in my apartment on the main drag, where my family listens to the rush of transports all day and night.  No road noise.  Soft grass between my toes.  And crickets, frogs, etc.  It was so peaceful that I didn't know what to do with myself.  It's a very small backyard, but it is beautiful.  And I forced myself to stay out there for a while..

My father, after having been forced into his now pensionless retirement 4 years ago (see http://theperpetualwantrapreneur.blogspot.com/2014/04/i-have-very-good-friend-whos-in-trouble.html), was lost after losing his post-retirement hobby of going to the office, and permanently losing his income.  My parents immediately sold their house in Florida, and they moved to New Jersey, to be closer to my family (my brother wasn't far behind).  They bought a cute little home in a retirement community, which my brother-in-law worked tirelessly to renovate and beautify.  And it is beautiful, inside and out.  But my father needed something to do.  He loves being outside.  So he started painting.  Not on a canvas, mind you (although we did encourage this idea), but on garden figurines.  Yes, the cement ones which adorn the gardens of people all over the world.  His yard is now full of beautifully painted garden statues (as well as my sister's garden, my niece's, my brother's, etc.).  The colors are spectacularly vivid on each and every one of them, as if to give us a peek into the window of his soul.  He also created beautiful birdhouses amongst the greenery.  As kids, we would have never known that he possessed such artistic skill (I'll speak for myself on that one).  As I looked out into the darkness Saturday night, with the soft glow of solar garden lighting cast upon the painted works, I wondered what was going through my father's head in the months following his devastating loss.  He doesn't talk about it much, even when asked.  He's an old-school Hungarian, who is much more apt to dispense great advice on life before discussing his own.  So what was he thinking?  We all know he was deeply hurt.  And he turned to painting.  None of us knew he had such talent.  He had built sheds in the past (not the pre-assembled ones, mind you, but miniature houses, of wood and nails), assembled beautiful stone fireplaces, and he can stack wood in more stunning formations than anything you have ever seen.  He's an artist.  That's what I realized in the garden that night.  Even though he was a textile manager his entire life, without any need to tap into his creative spirit, he has been an artist all along.  And through his art, he found peace.  And if you step into his backyard, you'll see the beauty in his art.  And that's the moral of this story, the theme of this message.  It's never too late to find your passion.  His life is not much different than mine, or yours, in many respects.  He chose to dig deep and engage in self-exploration.  And he found his passion.  That's what I need to do, what we all need to do.  My father loved what he did for fifty years, and he never complained about anything.  He still doesn't complain.  Outwardly, he is an eternal optimist.  Inwardly, nobody knows.  But he is my hero, and I will honor him in my pursuits.  So honor yourself, and whoever else inspires you.  Find your passion.  It's hard as hell, but you can do it.  We can all do it.  And we can walk on the summer grass, cool dew between our toes, content in the knowledge that we have followed our passion, and made a living out of it.  So grab your own "garden gnome" and have at it.  If you can see my father's garden, you'll love what you can create.  

The Force is with us all (whether you like it or not)

My sister burned 3 cds for me last weekend, after watching my son for the weekend while I attended a wedding with my wife in New York City.  It is narrated by Peter Coyote, and it's called Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind.  It's pretty brilliant.  I got what I needed out of it in the first 10 minutes of the cd, which was all about posture.  By adopting the postures necessary for Zazen, I have eliminated virtually all of the stress that has settled in my abdomen.  I'm not kidding.  And this was immediate, seconds after listening to this segment of the book.  I now stand (and sit) like a Buddhist monk throughout my day.  People look at me funny.  But I don't care.  Look, I'm not a Zen master (I'm 3/4 of the way through a really nice bottle of a 2011 Clos Du Bois Pinot Noir, 10:30 pm on a Thursday night).  I have no idea what it even means to be a Zen master, especially after my day at work today, when I read the riot act to three individuals, two of which were my direct reports, in the span of fifteen minutes.  I maintained a professional approach, but there was a lot of fire, and little Zen.  But if I were to have a gander at it, at what I believe is Zen mastery, I think it's Yoda.  And if I'm right, that would be my goal.  Which goes against many of the tenets of Zen Buddhism.  Which is why I'm not a Zen master.  But if I could be one, I would wield a lightsaber like Yoda.  It's my own dream.  I'm probably not the first to aspire to such heights.  But if nobody has started a practice which encompasses the Yoda way to Zen mastery, let me be the first.  Because to kick some ass once in a while falls within the practice of Buddhism, since there is no right, and there is no wrong.  There is only transience, and we are all transient beings, whether we like it or not (more on transience later).  But if you listen to the audiobook, we are virtually all Zen Buddhists.  We all have Buddha within us.  We start with the idea of enlightenment, and work our way back to practice.  Practice, practice, practice.  That is Buddhism.  I am the lowest horse, the one who doesn't move until the whip has penetrated my skin.  That is my state right now.  I am on my third week of consistent 10-25 minute meditations every morning.  And I am devouring this stuff.  Read it, or listen to it.  I'm on my second go-around.  It's excellent.  Here's the link on Amazon: 

 http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Mind-Beginners/dp/B0000544OP. 

Duality is a prevalent theme in the book.  Here is a Star Wars fan's version of duality, for you Star Wars fans out there (or even if you're not; you'll probably understand it better).  I'm working on grasping this concept.  Watch it, and see if you can figure it out.  I couldn't, and still can't.  But I love lightsaber duels.  So I don't care.  Here is the link.  

http://www.galactic-voyage.com/images/Fan%20Movies/duality_640x272_sv3.mov. 

So, transience.  I love this word, and I love how it applies to Buddha nature.  I stole the quote that we are all transients from Star Wars as well, Qui-Gon Jinn, specifically.  He was attempting to teach this concept to Anakin Skywalker, the future Darth Vader. Vader didn't quite get it.  He turned to the dark side (not that there is anything wrong with that, since there is no right or wrong in Buddhism.  It just is).  Obi-Wan Kenobi attempted to train young Darth after Qui-Gonn was killed by a Sith Lord from the dark side.  But he failed as well.  Or succeeded at helping Anakin on to a new career outside of Jedi knighthood.  Nobody can deny Darth Vader's success at ruling the galaxy.  And at the end of the day, we all have to take responsibility for our behaviors, our reactions, our lives.  I relate more to Obi-Wan than anyone else.  He was Zen-like in much of his behavior, but he had a temper, too (an example here, after his mentor Qui-Gon Jinn was impaled by the Sith lord.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oh4l39Lo194

 He is the one without the horns; skip to 3:37 of the clip to view the duel between them.  But the entire piece is kick-ass, especially the pony-tailed Qui-Gon Jinn's meditation before his inevitable death).  Obi-Wan was vulnerable, and I liked that.  We are all vulnerable, and we are in a constant state of transience.   Life flows from one state of affairs to another and another.  That is transience.  That is perpetual change.  And the sooner we accept that life is change, that it is transience, the better off we will be.  I am working on that adaptation, every minute of every day.  Are you working on change?  Have you accepted that it is inevitable, and that it is a undeniable part of our existence?  Are you accepting of the fact that a transient life is a life without good or bad, as the next steps toward enlightenment?  How are you adapting?  Be Yoda, Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, or Darth Vader.  It doesn't matter.  Just be adaptable to inevitable change, and embrace it.  And maybe you can have your own vehicle, with Chewbacca as your co-pilot, capable of traveling at light speed to any corner of our galaxy...

The Identity crisis

VP and the Hatchet man came and went.  It turns out that all of the anxiety brought about by the impending visit had some substance. In no uncertain terms, after a two hour, 3 on 2 interrogation, ahem..business review, we were told in no uncertain terms that we have 12 months to right the ship or managers will lose their jobs (translation:  we have about 3 months to right the ship).  Hatchet Man did not disappoint.  Not only did he raise his mighty ax high above our necks, dried blood on his sharpened blade, ready to strike, some of us were told of two departments that will be dissolved over the next two months.  Eleven jobs will be lost (he swung his ax at one office associate before he left, giving her one week's notice, just for good measure).  Some managers were immediately put on a performance improvement program by our GM, so as to show that he is serious about managing his staff.  It's too little, too late.  His neck is on the line, like the rest of us. Sadly, one of his staff will likely go first so that he can protect himself.  I have been spared the PIP for now, but the pit in my stomach continues to churn.  This is not fun.  It hasn't been since I arrived a year ago.  

Work should be fun, not chaotic.  We were told that we all have to "feel the pain" of our underperforming location. What, isn't this environment painful enough?  Who says that?  Have we lost our minds?  Think about this; CORPORATE AMERICA IS ON A ROAD TO UNSUSTAINABILITY.  It strives for perpetual growth (now, I AM the Perpetual Wantrepreneur, but I don't want to hurt anyone).  This is simply not sustainable.  What happened to running a profitable business, month after month, year after year?  Why must we strive for perpetual growth?  Anybody who takes a job, who doesn't think about this impossibility, is an idiot. Like me.  I am an idiot; even worse, I am a desperate idiot, because I desperately wanted a job that paid a decent salary, even if it was half of what I was accustomed to.  I have had many desperate moments over the past several years of under and unemployment.  But we all make choices.  And it forces you to evaluate yourself.  To question your identity.  After last week's festivities, I began to question myself.  How much longer am I going to take this?  What will it take to take my next risk?  I write this blog to dig deeper into my twisted mind, to discover what it is that keeps me from pursuing my dream of entrepreneurship.  It's fucking torturous at times.  Paralyzing.  I'm not exaggerating here. I can sit and think about it for hours, and still not act.  Ok, so work is busy.  My commute is two hours a day.  I have a 4 month old baby.  But so what?  Who am I?  And why do I keep procrastinating?   You do it too; we all do, to varying degrees. But Jesus, it's been too long.  How many more signs do I need?  How many more threats?  

After the two hour meeting, Hatchet Man noticed that I had printed notes for myself, discussion points for the meeting.  He told me (he didn't ask me, mind you, he ordered me) to send him my notes, and to not "doctor them."  Here comes the hard part, folks; what took place for the next 3 hours, from my drive home to sitting in bed with the love of my life, rivals a George Carlin routine.  And I'm not talking about comedy.  I'm talking about expletives.  I won't drag you through my vodka-induced tirade.  But I can tell you the theme:  Who the fuck is he to confiscate my notes?  I was beyond livid.  Not a very Zen moment.  It began my identity crisis. But I recovered.  I'm sure Gandhi, at one point or another, got pissed off.  Jesus flipped out on the money changers at the temple. We know Buddha didn't begin his life the same way it ended.  And I embarked on a expletive-filled rant for about an hour straight (not my first rant, and not likely the last).  WE ALL HAVE OUR MOMENTS.  IT'S NEVER A CRISIS. We just deal with it.  And learn from it.  Take it for what it is.  For me, it was a necessary shove, a nudge.  Or a push (God, I hope so).  Whatever the challenge before you, don't be too hard on yourself.  It happens to the best of us. 

Going through my divorce nearly seven years ago began a transformation in my life.  I knew that the feeling of "security" was gone (kind of like it is now).  It was a liberating feeling, like being a child again, despite the intense feelings of loss, guilt, etc.  We all have a role to play in our lives, and in relationships, it always takes two to tango.  Always.  And when a relationship ends, there is a new beginning.  When one door shuts, another opens, another window of opportunity, blah, blah, blah...you get the idea.  I bring this up because for those of us who have a degree of awareness, there is always transformation in our lives.  

I used to carry around a Taoist poem.  As I was pondering today's blog, I decided to pull it out again.  It was long overdue:  

Risking everything that I am

to become myself

Juggling balls of fire

where the fire is my own spirit

Transformation is never easy

Watching who you are crumble

While growing into the wonder of something new

I love this. And I've been living it, for several years now. I have taken many risks; some brought me satisfaction, many did not. But take risks. Jump (come on in, the water is freakin' ice cold!). Start something. If you're not ready (which you never will be, by the way, that's why you just have to jump in), then demand that I start something in the comments section. Watch yourself crumble, and grow into something new.  If you are anything like me, you're crumbling anyway, so why not transform into something really cool?  I wrote about baby steps in earlier blogs, a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Take the step.  Think about why you should, and the consequences if you don't.  Is that a risk your willing to take?  

Meditation is not a ten letter word (or, the lazy man's guide to meditation)

As you know, I meditate.  I am not an expert on the subject.  I have read a couple of books (both by Thich Nhat Hanh) to get me started.  And I have found that, at least for now, that is enough.  I would like to revisit those books, but I can't find them.  I have moved about 5 times in the past 6 years.  They were excellent books, and I would love to build on my daily practice.  I will find them eventually (they are likely in my 6 x 6 compartment in the basement of my apartment, along with the a lot of lost dishware).  Luckily, I remember the basics.  That's all that I remember.  It's just deep breathing.  That's it.  Start in whatever position makes you comfortable (I prefer the half lotus position, hands hanging off of my knees, torso erect, sitting on my ottoman with a candle lit about 10 feet away).  You can meditate lying down, or sitting in a comfortable chair.  You can have soothing music (I don't listen to music, for the most part; but if I did, it would probably be the sound of rain.  I love the rain).  And then breathe deeply.  Two or three cleansing breaths, which you hold for a couple of seconds.  Then release.  After those breaths, just focus on breathing.  Don't think about anything else.  Focus on your inhalation, then exhalation.  Inhale completely, and exhale completely.  And slowly.  Keep your breath quiet; don't make too much noise.  And make sure you blow your nose first; it reduces the struggle to keep quiet.  And try not think about anything but your breathing.  That is the toughest part.  Just repeat to yourself, any way you want, in your native tongue, "breathing in, breathing out."  My major distraction is the thought of sex, since I enjoy that more than meditating.  Meditation is necessary, but to be frank, sex is much more fun.  Maybe someday I'll be able to meditate on sex (there's an idea for a book; as you can see, my challenges are many).  Anyway, this all takes practice.  Lots of it.  And it needs to be a daily practice.  I shoot for a morning meditation, before coffee.  And a nighttime meditation before I sleep.  But most of the time, it's just a morning event.  As you get better, you can tweak your practice any way you want.  You can meditate on anything.  Since my attention span is so short, I focus only on breathing and avoiding thoughts of sex.  That's where I'm at.  But my intention is to be able to meditate on all that I strive for in my quest for entrepreneurship, on life, on daily goals.  To focus my thoughts on singular goals, whatever they may be on any given day.  So pick a place.  And a time.  And some music, or none at all.  And breathe deeply (I forgot one more very important thing; you don't need to spend a lot of time on this.  Start with five minutes, or less, and build your way up as you get better.  Or just stay at five minutes.  I am up to about twenty minutes, but sometimes only 5-10.  And it is always enough).  You may not feel the immediate effect, but once you are done, your day will feel different.  Your will handle your challenges more calmly.  People and circumstances will be less irritating.  And you can breathe deeply any time over the course of the day (my favorite place is on a bathroom stop or at my desk, when anxiety or stress creep up on you).  I promise you, it works.  So start tonight, or tomorrow.  Don't wait too long.  You will feel like you've accomplished something big, tapping into the wonder of thousands of years of practice given to us by some of the greatest minds the earth has ever known (Buddha, Ghandi, Thich Nhat Hanh, and so many of the great Far Eastern influencers throughout history).  Become a part of history.  Tap into the best source of peace available.  It's free, and universal, and at your fingertips.  Sit down.  Relax.  And breathe deeply.  It's the next step in your journey.  And the world is waiting for you.

An Eternal Spring

Well, all's well that ends well with my friend who was seemingly on the chopping block.  For now.  He still has a job, but he's on a "warning" for conduct.  Apparently having an opinion is a violation of the company's conduct policy, especially since it didn't line up with the opinion of his manager....very curious.  In the meantime, he knows his days are likely numbered if he is to continue to operate in the manner that he is accustomed to.  Otherwise, it's time to return to the herd, another hopeless sheep in the corporate pasture...

I struggle with the struggles of others.  I want to help, and often find myself carrying their load, their cross, whatever you want to call it.  I carry it emotionally and physically.  My ego finds a way to make their problems my own.  And it often derails my own progress.  This isn't just for friends and colleagues in business, but in life.  And the last couple of weeks certainly sidetracked my own progress.  Corporate is coming to town, the VP along with the "Hatchet Man", a man with the reputation.  I've been told by many corporate colleagues with whom I have a good relationship that when this individual comes to town, somebody loses their job.  This is the boss of the other individual who wanted to send the entire facility back to work minutes after losing their jobs in America's Saddest City.  I told him to "go upstairs" as he walked the floor, parading people back to their stations.  This was a year ago.  I haven't seen him since, and neither has my boss.  And  with my boss under the gun for months, his possible replacement being hired to train within the region, the trickle-down effect of stress at the facility can be cut with a knife.  And with my own challenges escalating over the next few days at the office, there appears to be a direct relationship between the rising stress levels at work and the drop in progress in the pursuit of my own dreams.  It's a push-pull relationship; I can only devote energy to one, not both.  The choice seems logical, right?  

Well, it's easier said than done.  I spent my entire Sunday dreading going to work this week.  They will be in town for three days.  And on Easter Sunday, starting in the morning, it began...the emails.  Did you do this?  Make sure you read this.  Be familiar with that.  Will you attend dinner.  A random joke in between, as if to prove that there was no sense of panic.  It was too late.  Whatever hasn't been done up to this point won't be done.  We've all done the best we can, given the circumstances (see Don Miguel Ruiz' 4th agreement).  Some have done better than others.  I've done the best I can.  I can do more, of course.  We all can.  But whatever my progress to this point, that is where it stands.  I will explain this, and my challenges.  And I will remember, as I go through this week, that I don't want this anymore, to answer to people who wield WAY too much power and influence over people.  And late last night, laying in bed with the love of my life, it became clear.  As she suggested solutions to my problem, talking it through with me, I wondered what was missing.  Why all of this anxiety?  I have so much to be thankful for.  I have a potential interview this week, with a company located closer to my family.  I have a beautiful wife, and a delightfully happy new baby.  I have the best family a guy can ask for.  And there's a really good chance that I may meet with my wife's estranged parents this weekend, a wonderful first step.  So what do I do?  Meditate.  I meditated for twenty minutes this morning.  I had meditated every day for the ten days prior, and I felt great.  Then the last two days slipped away without meditation.  Meditation sets the reset button.  This may seem an abrupt end to a long story, and I'm sure it's familiar.  We all get caught up.  I'm not even going to go through the list; you know yours and I know mine.  How will you tackle your list today?  Start with what will help your journey, and dump the rest.  An enema for the soul.  Redirect your priorities.  You can't do it all.  So be choosy.  Pick the things that best benefit you and the ones you love.  It's Monday.  It's the day after Easter.  I'm not religious, but it's supposed to be a time of renewal.  It's springtime.  There, how's that?  No religious connection.  The flowers will be blooming.  The buds of the countless trees will begin to sprout.  Maybe they already have where you live.  Be the bud.  Sprout the new you, and what you want for your life.  Meditate (more on this later).  It's so simple and effective, you'll wonder why you've waited so long.  And make it the first eternal spring you've ever had.

The end of the world (as we formerly knew it)

I have a very good friend who's in trouble.  Two kids, a beautiful wife, a nice house in suburban Connecticut.  He was my production supervisor in the facility that closed down (remember the guy who ordered everyone back to work after being fired, in the saddest city in the country?  That facility).  We went through that experience together (as well as some after hours shit-shows), and he was the first person I've ever worked with that I befriended in 20+ years of management.  We haven't worked together for about a year, and we still keep in touch.  He's visited my home twice, and I have to reciprocate.  And he's suffering.  He was sent home today for being "too emotional" in conversation with his boss.  And then he received a call later in the day that he's to come to work at 10 am tomorrow.  He thinks he's losing his job.  And he may be right.  

Everyone has an ego to contend with.  With the exception of some Buddhists and other spiritual individuals who can truly detach themselves from ego (at least outwardly), we work to control our thoughts and our egos.  Most of us will NEVER conquer our ego.  It's work.  And mine's pretty damn big.  It takes an army.  My first instinct is almost always to defend myself.  I'm confrontational.  I can't help myself sometimes.  We all have a dark side; and I am the Sith-in Yoda's words, quick to anger, quick to fight.  This is my nature.  I grew up that way, kicking the shit out of most kids twice my size (I was 5' 3" until junior year in high school, when I grew 8" in one year), locking them in garages (except for Mario; he had tools from his dad's shed.  Pitchforks.  Hammers.  Saws.  My skull met his hammer and saw on separate occasions.  My poor Mom..I was a bloody mess).  I was an angry little boy, an angry young man, and at times, I have been an angry grown man.  Scary angry, like the grey-blue color of my eyes turning to black.. 

Luckily for me, none of the moments of my angry history have EVER happened at work (there's another area of expertise for me; I can actually check my ego at the door when I get to work).  We should work to do this in all endeavors (if you've read last week's blog, Positioning, I mentioned Eckhart Tolle and Don Miguel Ruiz' work.  Life changing stuff.  I've made tremendous strides on the ego front).   But how do we do this?  How do we let things happen like what may happen to my friend?  At what point do we allow ourselves to be put into such a precarious position, risking all we are for some schmuck on a power trip?  My friend has consistently beaten his financial plan month after month.  Not only has productivity increased, so has morale.  He credits me regularly on how much he learned from me, and he routinely asks for my advice on how to handle situations.  I coached him on this situation, too, on how to stick to the facts and remain professional.  He wondered how I would have handled this guy.  And before he even said it, I wished I could have pulled a Patrick Swayze in Ghost and jumped into his 6' 4", Whoopi Goldberg self.  But I couldn't. And he got emotional.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that he blew it when he questioned his boss about his accomplishments.  And just like that, with one ego against another, regardless of the value he brings to the organization, one man can cut another loose.  So he's at home with his family, awaiting his fate.  But it doesn't have to be this way.  We have a choice.  He is a prisoner, just like me, and if you're reading this, you probably are too.  I may not be able to control my ego sometimes, but should that cost me my job?  It seems so obvious, yet we are so willing to give up our freedom to somebody else's whim.  It's insanity.  Try to think of any other position that you find yourself in where you would allow this to happen.  Good luck.  You won't.  Because it's stupid.  But we spend the better part of our days like this.  Think about how old you are.  Are you 25?  Maybe 34, 46, 58, 60?  Have you ever estimated how many days that you have lived, and how many you have left?  I've lived about 16,000 days or so.  And I'm guessing I have less than 16,000 days to go.  And I've spent that first 16,000 dreaming of being free.  Entrepreneurs in most other countries, regardless of government or regime, have more freedom than we do.  The land of the free, home of the brave?  Are we really that brave?  We sure as hell aren't free, not under these circumstances.  What is your standard for brevity?   For freedom?  It's not a brave act to submit to this kind of treatment.  We all do.  I do.  Every day.  And we give up our freedoms.  The government has robbed us of most of our freedoms over the past 13 years.  Our private lives are under constant surveillance.  Are you willing to give up your freedom at work, too?  How much more are you willing to give up?  A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Just one, small step.  I'm taking steps.  It's painful.  And slow.  And often pathetic.  But I'm moving forward.  My step today?  I'm going to call my brother.  And we are going to brainstorm.  We worked together for twenty years, for somebody else, who fired us both and took away our father's pension after 50 years of service because his daughter and I fell in love (she was fired, too.  Before any of us.  And now we have a beautiful baby together).  And my brother has never been more ready to take the first step than he is now.  He's already had a business that failed.  He failed!  He's so much further along than most of us.  We all have to fail.  These are educational goldmines.  He has much to teach me, and I want to learn.  Have you taken your first step?  If you are in the US, Germany, Malaysia (the three countries who have read my blog so far; there goes my ego again), or anywhere else, it's time.  Take that first step. Let me know what you did.  I love to travel.  So take me with you..

How to force yourself into a 5 day vacation (as long as you start on Saturday)

This isn't really a recommendation, but come on, folks, it's the American way.  They only way we can force ourselves into some down time is by, that's right, GETTING THE FLU.  I haven't had it in seven years, and the exact reason why I even got sick was because I WASN'T taking a vacation.  I was treading water, barely above the surface, floating on my back to save energy and gasping for air, until I couldn't work anymore, my body shut down, looked me in the eye and simply said, "F-YOU.  I'M DONE WITH YOU.  NOW DEAL WITH IT."  And if you're lucky (depending on your level of desperation for a day off), you get to hang on to a fever for five days, forcing you to stay home (I actually could have worked with the fever; as a matter of fact, I WAS working with the fever.  The phone never stopped ringing, the emails continued, the text messages).  The doctor told me (after my third day of fever), that the state of New York recommends that I take the entire week off.  Come on, everybody, what is our conditioned response?  Are you embarrassed to admit it?  Say it, say it loud, say it proud:  I CAN'T TAKE OFF FOR A WHOLE WEEK!  Yup, that's what I said.  That was a Monday night.  She told me I would be considered contagious until 24 hours after my fever broke.  So Wednesday morning it broke, and Thursday I was back to work.  And I felt like shit.  And by all accounts, I looked like shit.  People from corporate (the entire goddamned corporate office is visiting our location for what feels like the next six years) were like, "what the hell are you doing here?"  And trust me, I don't work for a compassionate company.  They could give a rat's ass about my health  (or anybody else's, for that matter).  This was coming from a guy who, 15 minutes after we shut down a facility and told everyone in two weeks they will have lost their jobs, that they need to get back to work.  At that moment, I was consoling a 55 year old man, crying at the prospect of being unemployed in a city voted one of the "saddest cities" in the country.  But he said I looked like shit.  So I must have looked pretty bad.

So that was my first vacation this year (actually, I spent the first week of my newborn's son life in the NICU earlier this year, so that was my first vacation).  Does this sound familiar?  I'm sure it does.  Nobody works like we Americans work.  This doesn't mean we're more productive, or that we work harder than anyone else; my experience in management has been quite the opposite.  But yet we are getting our arses handed to us by much of the industrialized world.  We all must know that this isn't sustainable.  And it's a recipe for disaster if you want to accomplish anything outside of work (in my case, and hopefully yours, to build a business on the side).  Is it a sense of pride for us, to brag that we work more than anyone else?  For what?  Are we that unhappy at home that we feel the need to be at work so much?  Not me.  I love my home life.  You should too.  And if you don't, you better think about changing it somehow.  But I'm not prepared to write about that right now..

Take the time.  Take a vacation.  Go somewhere that you've never been.  It doesn't have to be far away.  But if you can travel, do it.  Get away.  Experience a different culture.  Meet new people. Ask questions about their lives.  Eat their food.  Share a meal with strangers. See how they live, and appreciate your life.  Or strive for the life that they have if their happiness doesn't mirror your own.  Then go home. Meditate.  Don't drink so much (I haven't abstained completely from alcohol, but I've cut my consumption to a glass of wine or a beer a week (you'll be surprised how good it feels-you don't need it as much as you think you do).  And the wet sand turning to cement on your shoulders will slowly wash away, and you will be lighter.  And you will think straighter.  And you will dream lucidly.  And your idea muscle won't feel so impotent.  And you will help more people, not because you have to, but because you want to.  You won't reprimand people with the intent of firing them, but rather to help them improve their performance and improve their lives outside of the shithole you work in (like I do).  Help somebody get out and move on.  On THEIR terms.  Because for every person you help achieve their goals, through action and encouragement, you will be that much closer to achieving yours.  Stop hanging on to people.  Set them free, to pursue their dreams.  At work, at love, and in life.  Most of us don't want to do what we do all day long.  That is why we strive for freedom.  That is why I write this blog.  So help others escape and unlock their potential.  And with any luck you will discover yours.  And I'll discover mine.  And I'll have to find something else to write about.

Positioning

Where are you in your life in relation to your life goals?  How are you "positioning" yourself for success?  Are you "in" a position to achieve your goals?  We find ourselves in a host of situations over the course of our lives.  Situations can change in an instant.  We can be soaring above the clouds, inspired and motivated, digesting all we can to take those next steps toward our goals (I just have reiterate how inspiring it is to have unlimited access to all of the resources we need at our fingertips, from anywhere, anytime).  And then we get sidetracked.  As is my custom on this blog, I will use myself as the example.

My aspirations, as those of you who have read my blog will know, is to venture into the realm of entrepreneurship. They do not lie in the realm of wantrepreneurship (although that is my present expertise).  I have been immersing myself in all things entrepreneurial (John Lee Dumas' Entrepreneur on Fire, Jamie Tardy's Eventual Millionaire).  Their podcasts are filled with inspiring stories of people who have achieved entrepreneurial success; people from all walks of life, with varying levels of income, but all happy having made the leap to freedom.  And I was feeling as inspired and driven as I could remember in recent memory.  And then, a turn.  I have had some catastrophic things go down in my life over the years-losing my job of 20 years at the onset of the 2008 recession, a divorce just a few months earlier, and the continual deterioration of my relationship with my children from that marriage (which is at an all time low as I write this post).  What took place over the past several days isn't nearly as devastating (thank God), but it merits conversation; I came down with the flu.  Now, I haven't had the flu in 7 or 8 years, but it's oh so familiar when it starts creeping up inside of you.  And it breaks down your body.  And it breaks down your mind.  I'm not one to run to the doctor; so I called my mother and asked her if she was aware of any "old country" remedy for my illness.  She said, "you have a three month old baby, go to the doctor!"  So off I went, and thank God that I did.  But I felt like all of the mental progress I had been making was washed away.  My mental state was weak, and my corporate job was relentless.  I was virtually glued to my bed, and I was forced to answer to the texts. The emails, all day long.  The same, repetitive bullshit that no matter how many times I addressed it with my GM, it just wasn't getting through.  The sheer refusal to acknowledge that there are serious gaps in certain processes that are due to his lack of holding people accountable.  So we all suffer with him.  And I suffer with him.  And the wind is sucked right out of my sails on my journey.  I let this happen over the past few days.  I'm guilty.  I should know better than to let the insecurities of somebody else derail my path to freedom and happiness.

So how have I positioned myself to turn this around, despite the continual barrage of negativity coming from a workplace under fire?  I chose happiness...I reverted back to the CDs my sister gave to me over two years ago, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  If you haven't read these books or listened to the audiobooks, they are a must.  But you have to be ready.  I was ready during Thanksgiving/Christmas of 2011, when I had had enough of victimizing myself over the lost job, the guilt of my divorce, and a breakup with my girlfriend.  I would listen to the Four Agreements over and over in the car on my way to a job where I was making 25% of my former salary (by the way, Peter Coyote reads the audiobook, and its fantastic).  And I spent Christmas Day laying on the couch listening to 8 hours of Eckhart Tolle.  You'll have to decide for yourself if and when you will read/listen to these books.  And happiness is a choice.  This was not an easy concept for me to grasp, given my pursuit of happiness from outside sources throughout my life.  I never looked inside.  I never made the choice.  I kept searching and searching for the holy grail of happiness.  Now, I still struggle with this from time to time.  I still want to disappear, thinking this will make me happy.  Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't (the beaches of the Maldives look so inviting; I can't see how that wouldn't make me happy).  But I positioned myself to break free.  I started writing this blog.  And I feel better already.

The Slow Starter (and I mean SLOWWWWWW....)

I have always been a slow starter.  Going back to my childhood, growing up in New Jersey, my life revolved around sports.  Football (American style, although I am now a Premier League football fan; I say this because I had my first European view of my blog yesterday, from Germany!), baseball, and basketball, depending on the season.  I was always the smallest guy on the field or court, and I was extremely competitive.  And baseball was my passion.  I was the star pitcher from the tender age of  9, for all of the teams I played for until I was 13 (then puberty struck-another example of a slow start-and sports were an afterthought; but I still played sandlot ball anywhere I could).  As a pitcher, my first two innings were always the toughest.  I always struggled to get into a groove.  But once I did, I was virtually unstoppable.  My Little League baseball days were the most memorable, playing before packed stands and pitching my heart out, all 4' 11" of me (and I was in 7th grade!).  As the saying goes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.  Here I am, 23 years beyond college graduation, and I'm still talking about owning my own business.  Sound familiar?  I always questioned those who jumped in head first into their endeavours growing up.  I lost all of my closest companions after 7th grade, because they all began experimenting with drinking, drugs, and the like. How do they do it?  Aren't they afraid?  What if their parents find out?  What if they overdose or die of alcohol poisoning?  Now, I don't regret making the decision to leave this group; it wasn't my gig.  And for the most part, it still isn't my gig (although I do enjoy a great glass of California Zinfandel or Belgian Ale).  But there are parallels to this experience that mirror my life today.  I have watched countless people throw their hat in to the arena of entrepreneurship  from the sidelines  (very few of them in my personal life, except for a handful), and I have lived vicariously through them for so long.  It's like a perpetual warmup in baseball, never throwing a pitch in the heat of a game, or smacking a tennis ball against the wall with an imaginary opponent.  At least in Little League I had the balls to get out there and compete, fighting through those first two innings toward victory (most of the time).  Why do we lose that childhood fearlessness?  What do we have to lose?  I used to pretend I was the Bionic Man as a kid:  "This is Steve Austin, astronaut.  A man barely alive.  We can rebuild him.  We have the technology to make him better than he was..better, stronger, faster..."  I used to ran as fast as I can from place to place, listening to the music play in my head from my favorite show, feeling the wind in my face with my blue windbreaker on (I think his was red, but it didn't matter; it had stripes on the sleeves, and that's all I cared about).  I WAS Steve Austin, and nobody could catch me.  When I was a bit older, Han Solo's Millenium Falcon was parked in the woods at the local park.  It was made out of a tree.  If you walked past this tree, you would not have noticed this fact.  But when I sat in the cockpit with my friend John, that tree flew into hyperspace quicker than it ever did in the movies (I didn't experience the same mechanical problems Han Solo did).  When do we stop dreaming?  I just finished James Altucher's book Choose Yourself.  It's a quick read, full of information and ideas.  He talks about the SuperFriends, the cartoon from the 70's with all of our favorite superheroes, all in one show.  He spoke at length about Superman in particular, and I read that part of the book just before I went to sleep.  Our 3 month old son sleeps in a crib in our room (not for much longer), and he has a projector that shoots the stars and nebulae of the universe on the ceiling of the room, so you can sleep beneath the stars.  It's the coolest mini-planetarium I have ever seen.  So, I dream a lot.  Many of my dreams come true (so far the less consequential ones, but I'm shooting for the stars on that, too).  And last night's dreams were amazing.  I was swimming along the azure shores of a beautiful mountain-lined beach.  The water was warm and I was swimming fast.  Below the surface, every sea creature imaginable was visible.  I love watching nature shows, and I am familiar with most discovered wildlife.  But there were creatures beneath this surface of such color and beauty, of the likes I have never seen.  Segue into the next dream; I am Superman.  Yes, the Man of Steel himself.  I couldn't see what I was wearing, but I was flying above the clouds at such speeds that I could only have been Kal-El himself.  Through the clouds (most of them were puffy and vapor-filled, but some were actually made of ice, like a snow cone).  And the sun was rising above the horizon, in such vivid hues of orange, red, and purple.  I was soaring through the stratosphere, looking for my next adventure.  What are we waiting for?  We still have the world at our fingertips.  NOTHING HAS CHANGED.  We are only a little older.  THAT'S IT.  There is absolutely nothing that can hold us back from pursuing our dreams.  Nothing.  Only me.  Only you.  The rest of the obstacles are absolutely imaginary, figments of our imagination.  Your boss, your friends, your family obligations, your debt, the guy who flipped you off in traffic, they can't stop you.  Nobody can stop you.  We are all Steve Austin, or Superman, or Wonder Woman, or Scarlett Johannsen (ok, focus....).  To finish where we started, when will you step on the mound, stare down the batter, focused on the weathered catcher's mitt 90 feet away, and fire away?  Will you take that first step from the dugout toward the mound?  What is your dream?  

The Idea Machine (yes, grey matter, that sticky, gelatinous mass encapsulated by your skull that is wasting away, if you don't take care of it; and I don't know that it's sticky, but it is in the movies..)


Ideas. They are best developed when we are exercising our brains. A lot of emphasis is placed upon ingesting healthy food, working your body, etc., etc. Don't get me wrong, these activities are as vital to our mental health as they are to our bodies (I'd probably lose my mind if I didn't run and hit the gym six days a week). But what about the mind? Now, you may be saying that your mind gets plenty of exercise. What are your routines? Cluttering your brain with wasteful thoughts? Most of us, with very few exceptions, are guilty of this. What did you do tonight? Did you spend the better part of your evening hours planting your ass on the couch watching the news? I mean, what is "news" anyway? One of the definitions for news is: a report of a recent event; intelligence; information. Let's face it, ladies and gentlemen; there is nothing intelligent about mainstream media, cable, or local news. Are you gossiping with family, friends, colleagues? How many sleepless nights do you spend worrying or living in fear (this is a big one for me; lots of fun and festivities with this one). These are just a few examples of how your mind can get cluttered with useless information and activities. I'm sure many studies have been done on cranial capacity. I'm not scientist, but I would venture to say that all of these distractions occupy most of the usable space in our brains. But fear has to take the cake, if it were measurable on some kind of synapse scale. Fear and I have had a very special relationship for a very long time. From upon graduating college forward, my mind has been virtually paralyzed by fear: Will I have enough money for retirement (why the hell was I so worried? I accumulated and invested my hard earned money for 15 years after graduating, just to lose every penny, and then some). Will I have a job in five years? Ten years? What is my long term financial plan? Will I even be alive in ten years? For the longest time I was terrified that I wouldn't live to see my first child be born (I just had my third, sixteen years after my second, so I guess I can rest easy now). By the way, what the hell kind of childhood did I have to be so afraid of dying all the time? I'll attribute that to being born and raised in New Jersey (no real reason behind this; I just couldn't come up with anything else; wait a minute, I just remembered what it was..it was the Cold War!). Do I have enough life insurance (I am an insurance junkie, always worried about what will happen upon my eventual death instead of living and dreaming and loving where I am right now; one of my favorite sayings was that I am worth more dead than alive...just call me George Bailey; who knew Bedford Falls was in New Jersey?). The truth is, we are conditioned to be fearful by the very media I mentioned earlier. It is hard to avoid, because we are mercilessly bombarded by so much useless information over the course of the day. Television isn't even the worst of it anymore, because it is almost easier to avoid than the multitude of devices vying for your attention. Think about your desktop or laptop at work and at home, your smartphone, your tablet (Ipad, Android, or whatever). Jesus, I find myself checking my LinkedIn or Facebook account when I'm taking a piss at work (I don't even use Facebook but maybe 3 times a year; talk about clutter and wasting your time, not to mention the inherent danger of holding your mobile in one hand and..well, you get the idea). If you have made it this far through the post, isn't it clear that my mind is implacably cluttered right now? Bottom line is this; the more useless material we absorb over the course of the day, the more we hamstring our mind to grow. And we reduce our capacity to create, to stimulate the idea machine. And herein lies my biggest challenge, COMING UP WITH AN IDEA FOR A BUSINESS. Over the course of my adult life, the cluttering material has changed, but the result has always been the same: I have been hampering my ability to pursue my dreams...

The Perpetual Wantrepreneur: My Journey Toward Entrepreneurship

March 22, 2014

I labored for months to formulate an idea for a blog .  I figured I should write about something that I am passionate about, following the same principles that you would for entrepreneurship.  I had heard that you can make money blogging, but that is not my reason for beginning this journey (my blogging journey, that is; more on my wantrepreneurial journey later).  I've been listening for a few months now to entrepreneurial-related podcasts, reading e-books, magazines, watching movies, meditating, whatever might bring me one step closer to my dream of self-employment; ways to promote your business, your company, your ideas, how to create interest and build your brand.  Now I know that there are possibly millions of bloggers around the world who generate some kind of income blogging.  Some make a full time living out of it. Some make millions of dollars. As nice as that sounds, that is not my intention at this moment.  My reasons a bit more self centered:  I need to memorialize in writing how painstakingly difficult it has been for me to pursue a career outside of the corporate bubble.  In short, I have been paralyzed by fear (and SO many other things, mostly excuses) for nearly 30 years now, dreaming day after day, month after month, year after year about the idea of pursuing and owning my own business.  And as I was running on the treadmill on this first full day of spring (watching the snow fall all morning until 2 pm), I had a bit of an epiphany..ok, it was a full-fledged epiphany, divinely inspired by some kind of universal force.  I know it was divinely inspired, because it was the best original idea I have come up with in probably my entire life.  I decided to write about something that I am passionate about, where I am THE expert in the field (I challenge just about anyone to prove me wrong on this). I DECIDED TO WRITE ABOUT MY WANTREPRENURIAL JOURNEY.  I haven't checked to see if anybody else in this country (or on the planet) has blogged about the subject.  But I have a lot to share with anyone who is going through this very process (and I hope that a lot of you are, because if you working in the corporate world, you will be sooner than you think). That being said, my purpose is two-fold, maybe even three-fold; I am a reluctant expert on the subject, but it's time I shared this knowledge for my own therapeutic benefit as well as the benefit of those who are suffering along with me. I have lived, breathed, digested, and vomited so much material on this subject for so long.  I can help you get through this, and maybe you can help me as well.  I'm not really sure where to start, I don't have an outline, a timeline, or an agenda of any kind.  So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the journey.  Because it is about the journey, not the destination, right?